Sometimes I just can’t do it. I can’t pick up the pen or sit at the keyboard. I mean, I want to, it isn’t that I don’t want to but sometimes I just cannot do it.
The ideas are there for me to write. The experiences are there that I want to write about, but sometimes it is just hard.
It is harder than it used to be and weirdly I think it is because I am finally healing.
I know that that may sound weird to a lot of people but let me explain.
When I first started this blog I was in a very bad place. I was unhappy and scared and unsure what my future would hold. I was ready to report my abuse to the police and I was unsure who I could and could not trust and I would not open up to many people. Writing became my outlet. It just came to me one day out of the blue and picking up a pen became easy. Writing and expressing my emotions and how I was feeling was so easy because I wanted and needed to let it out somehow.
Now, six years down the line, I am in a completely different place. I am in a completely different relationship, with a man who is the most supportive man I have ever met and certainly the love of my life. And, even though there have been some rough times over the past three years, we have begun building a life together.
I have a young stepdaughter, who even though she is not mine by blood, I love as though she is and I would do anything for. My focus is her and my partner now and sharing in the responsibility and joy of helping to raise that little girl when she is with us. They have brought a light into my life that I never even knew existed before and they are my main focus now.
That is not to say that this blog, or my police case or my work is not my focus, but my family must and always will come first. They are the ones I love and they love me back. They have healed me – even though I am still not completely healed – with a love that I have never felt before and I am not willing to lose that for anything or anyone. My abuser and what he did to me, took enough of my life, I am not willing to have him take any more.
So you see, my life is different now. My priorities have had to change. But that does not mean that I do not care about this blog or my case. It just means that I have to share my energy across many things instead of investing it all into my writing or into the police case. I have to have enough energy for my own mental health and for time with my family and friends, as well as for this blog and my followers and of course my police case.
The police case is continuing to progress and unfortunately I am not allowed to tell you about it yet, but it is still incredibly draining and it takes its toll. I start to get tired or feel things that I want to write about and sometimes I just can’t. Sometimes I am not allowed to and other times I need to save that energy to look after myself and my own wellbeing, or for time with my partner and stepdaughter or time with my friends.
It is not that I do not care, it is never that I do not care or do not want to write. I just have to make sure that I balance everything correctly for my own wellbeing and for that of my family.
I am healing now. I am stronger and happier than I have ever been in my whole life. I have to be careful to never go back to the darkness that I have escaped from, not just for me, but for my partner and stepdaughter too and in some way for even my friends.
I have a family now, I have love and laughter and happiness daily. I have a life that isn’t full of abuse or pain.
I have a life that I never imagined would be possible and yet, here it is. I am living it.
So if I am distant or do not write for a while, it does not mean I do not care, it just means that finally this road has more light than darkness.
It means that finally I am really living.
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