I write because it helps me to get my inner most thoughts and feelings out. It helps me to breathe when I feel like I can’t. It helps me to make sense of things when I have too many thoughts and feelings circling through me.
I also write to help others like me, who have had the same experiences as me and who are going through the same experiences as I am right now with my whole fight for justice. I write to help them know that they are not alone, because most of my childhood and even some of my adult life, I felt alone. Alone with what happened. Alone with my experiences and thoughts and feelings. Not knowing that there were others out there just like me.
But then there are times when I want to write and I just can’t. I physically can’t. Not because the thoughts or feelings or ideas to write aren’t there, but just because I physically don’t feel like I have the energy to write it all down.
I want to. So badly I want to. For I know it will help others when they read my work. But even that sometimes isn’t enough to get me to pick up a pen.
I can go months where I can write two or three blogs at once. But then I have months where I just cannot write at all.
Sometimes it is because life might get in the way. Afterall, as well as my blog, I am a Senior Supervisor in Retail and I am fighting my way through a police case, as well as having a partner and stepchild in my life who mean everything to me, as well as my friends. I do not always want my life to be consumed by the case and by my blog. Sometimes I need some time away to focus on my personal life with those I love and to focus on my job. I’ve gradually learnt over time that that is OK.
Sometimes I know I cannot write because this journey is just so damn exhausting. I know that I just don’t have the physical and mental energy in that moment to write it all down, no matter how much I want to.
I have been fighting my way through this police journey for over five years, nearly six. It is tiring. During nearly all of that time I have been blogging my journey, to help myself and others, but sometimes blogging gets tiring too and sometimes I just need a break, I just need to switch off from it all for a while and pretend it isn’t happening.
The abuse by that man consumed so much of my life from such an early age into adulthood, and now the case does the same. It hasn’t been easy for me to find a balance between juggling the case, as well as work and my personal life. For a while I just couldn’t.
Those of you who have followed my blog from the beginning know I had to take a break from and eventually step down in my job to a lower Management position. However, I have finally found the balance, kind of, between juggling the case, my blog, work and my personal life. It hasn’t been easy but I am at a point where the case no longer rules my entire life and sometimes I need to take a break from my writing to make sure that I give myself that time to focus on my personal life and my work life.
To be honest, I don’t usually plan it, it usually just happens. It is like my mind knows when I have had enough of focussing my energy on the case and writing about everything and knows when I need a break and I just kind of shut off from it.
It is like I have no control over it, I try to pick up a pen and write about what I am feeling or the thoughts in my head, or even about the police appointments and other things on this journey but I physically just can’t. I just can’t.
For a long time I felt guilty about not being able to write because I started this blog to help others as well as to help myself. However, I have come to realise that if I wear myself into the ground, that if I use up all my time and energy pushing myself to do something that my mind knows I need a break from, then I will be of no use to anybody. Not those who read my blog, not helping the police with the case, not at work, but most of all not with my partner and my stepchild and the others in my life that I love. I have been doing this journey long enough to know that I am not prepared to sacrifice anyone I love anymore. I have been doing this long enough to know when I need a break.
Writing is my passion. Using my voice and helping survivors like me through my writing is my passion. I will never stop. If anything, once the case is over, I will have more time, more mind space to work on what I hope will become my first book, and even more drive to use my voice through writing.
But, sometimes, I need a break. Sometimes, I just can’t write at all. And that, I have finally realised, is OK.
For I will always come back. I will always write again. That is how I use my voice. And I was silenced for far too long to give up!
Thanks for reading.
** Image courtesy of Google Images **