I feel drained. Drained of all motivation to deal with anything and everything to do with the Police Case.
December marked five years since I reported my abuser for the second time. Five whole years. Five years with still no outcome. With him still roaming the streets because he is no longer on bail – He was taken off bail after only a few years because of his human rights. How he has more human rights than me I will never know but it seems that he does! He is still free to work, still free to live, and most shockingly of all, still free to be around children. He is still free to do everything that he did to me to other children, because five years later the Police and Crown Prosecution Service are still no closer to making a decision about whether to charge him for what he did to me.
It is hard. Hard to keep going every day knowing that he is still out there a free man. Just like after the first time I reported him when I was a child. Except then, nobody believed me, or at least nobody would listen even if they did. They were too scared to stand up for an abused child because that wasn’t what was done then. Instead they were too interested in protecting themselves, protecting their images, protecting their perfect little lives. So, he was free to carry on hurting me for years to come.
I thought it would be different this time. Naively, I thought that if I was finally believed, that if there were enough statements, if there was enough evidence, that he would be taken off the streets. That he wouldn’t be able to hurt another child. How wrong I was!
Five years later and here I am. Still stuck in limbo. Still stuck in the middle of the investigation. Oh, I am believed, by the authorities at least. Yet, he is still a free man. He is still living free while I relive a hell I’ve only ever wanted to forget but can’t.
The thing is, I am too far into the investigation to give up. Believe me when I say that on the most difficult days, it is hard to not just give up. To not just walk away from this whole thing. To just pretend it isn’t happening. But then I think to myself, who stood up for me as a child, when I told that first time? Every time I get the same answer; nobody. Not one single adult stood up for that Thirteen year old me. So, you see, no matter how hard my most difficult days are, I cannot just give up, because who is going to stand up for them, the children he has hurt, if I don’t? Who is going to stand up and fight for them, fight for me, for the childhood that he stole? Who is going to be our voice, my voice, if I walk away?
So here I am, stuck in limbo. I cannot move forward, I cannot go back. I am stuck. Stuck waiting every single day for a phone call that I have begun to believe may never happen. Stuck waiting for that call to hear that the CPS have finally made a decision to either charge him or let him go free forever.
That is the thing that no-one realises you see. Not only am I waiting for that phone call to tell me their decision, I then have to somehow find the strength within me to deal with that decision, be it the decision to charge him or the decision to let him walk free.
If they charge him, this case is far from over, for there will be a trial and I will be expected to go court. Expected to be braver and stronger than I have been before because I will be expected to tell my story, to say it out loud to a whole bunch of people I have never met before and tell them what that monster did to me. People who will listen and either judge me or believe me. I will be expected to face not only him, but also the family members who not only turned their backs on me the day he was arrested, but for my whole life. For none of them have supported me or believed me. Not only did I report him that day and lose my freedom for a second time, I once again lost the mother I never really had, and all my younger sisters and brother, as well as extended family, as they all decided to stand by and support that man, that monster. I want him to be charged. He HAS to be charged. This HAS to go to court. But standing in a courtroom and facing that monster while I tell everybody what he did to me will be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do in my lifetime.
However what will be even harder to deal with, is if they decide not to charge him. If that is the decision that the CPS decide to take, I am unsure what will happen next. I do know that it will make me feel like the past five years of this hell of an investigation will have been for nothing. If they decide not to charge him then he goes free for the second time. Free to live his life, to prey on children. To live a normal life while I have to deal with the fallout. He will be free. No pain, no trauma, no fear. He has no fear. While I would have to try to cope with the pain of him being freed all over again. Standing in a courtroom would be tough, but I think dealing with him not being charged would be tougher.
Right now, there is no telling which way this will go or what decision they will make. People tell me to stay positive but I have to be realistic. There is a very strong possibility that the CPS will make the decision not to charge him. If that happens I am not sure what I will do. Don’t get me wrong, some good things have come from me speaking up; finding my voice, my writing, this blog, my amazing partner and my beautiful friends. Those I am thankful for. But this investigation has consumed so much of my life for the past five years.
Five years is a really long time. I have put my everything into this investigation and if they let him walk free it makes all my hard work seem pointless. Yes, he would know that I raised my voice, that I stood up to him, but if he gets away with it, if he is freed, free to just continue hurting children, it would make it all for nothing. How could I keep those children safe? Would the investigation have scared him enough to stop? Never!! He hasn’t stopped in over thirty years. Why would he stop now?! They never stop unless they are made to stop by the authorities. That is what so many people don’t understand. These predators cannot stop. They don’t know how. They do not want to stop. They enjoy hurting children. They will only stop if they are made to stop by the authorities. If they are put behind bars where they cannot hurt another innocent child.
So, you see, he HAS to be charged but my greatest fear is that he won’t be.
And so, for another day, I wait once more in limbo.
Thanks for reading.
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