After not having an update on my Police Investigation from the lead officer on my investigation for months, my Legal Advocate from the Rape Crisis Centre finally managed to get a hold of a more Senior Officer.
Amazingly, we were told that the Lead Officer on my case has left and that they failed to inform us.
Now, this is upsetting news itself. It is even more upsetting because I have already had to deal with the Lead Officer on my case changing three times in the past four years, eventually going back to the original Officer, now only to be told that she has left and I will once again be getting somebody new. However, when my Legal Advocate asked which Officer is now the lead on my case she was told that it was nobody right now because my case has not yet been reassigned!
Why? Why has my case not been reassigned I asked? How can the Police justify not having an Officer handling my case, even if it isn’t a Senior one?
The reason, I was told; because my case is still with the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) awaiting a decision. That is their justification for leaving me with no support.
Seriously?! A look of shock and disbelief fill my face. So, because my case has gone back to CPS for the, I want to say forth, time, I now have no Lead Officer handling my case. No point of contact if something goes wrong or if I feel unsafe. No-one to trust with this whole investigation and please bear in mind that, due to all my previous experiences with Police, I have no faith whatsoever in the police or the justice system, no matter how hard they try. They have let me down too many times before.
I stand motionless, trying to figure out how I feel, I don’t even have the energy to get mad anymore, for I have come to expect things like this from the Police now. All that runs through my head is how can they ask me to trust them to get justice for me and for others when they keep behaving this way?
I have given over my deepest, darkest, scariest secrets to them. I have given them my childhood. A childhood I should never have had. A childhood full of demons and fear and pain. It took all I had to tell sit there through statement after statement and tell them of those who stole my innocence from me. And yet, here I am, four years later, still being asked to help them, still being asked to trust them, yet being treated this way. I struggle to find words.
It was hard for me the first time the Lead Officer changed to someone new, especially as they changed from a Female Officer to a Male. I had worked hard to trust that first officer. For I had no faith in the authorities. Not after they sent me back to the monsters when I was just a child.
So, when that first officer left and I had to try to trust someone new it was hard. It was made even harder by the fact that they put a Male Officer as the lead on a Female Rape/Abuse Case. It wasn’t his fault, I know, but, in my eyes, this is something that should never happen, for as much as I tried to put my trust in him, to believe that he wanted to help, I could never really feel comfortable with him. Giving statements was made harder, more difficult, more emotional. It was all more emotionally draining on myself and on him. For he was just doing his job, but I didn’t care. I need to feel safe. I need to feel protected when dragging up the scariest time of my life. Still, I tried, for the good of the case. I had to try.
I had just started to start to trust him a little when we discovered that he was being reassigned to London and that I would be getting someone new. I mean, it sucked but at least I knew who would be taking over. I met her within weeks and was prepared for her to be the lead on my case until another phone call to tell me that in fact, the original officer from when I first reported and who had been on my case for the first year was back from her Maternity Leave and would once again be becoming the Lead Officer on my case.
OK I thought. I could just about handle that. For even though she wasn’t great at communication, I knew her. I knew how she worked and how well she handled me and my PTSD, Depression and Anxiety. This could be a good thing. Until 4 months ago, when the communication started to dwindle away once again. Just like when she was previously on my case. Then nothing. No communication whatsoever.
I don’t know why, but part of me just knew. When I received the phone call from my Legal Advocate, I already knew, I knew that my Officer was just gone, and with her so was any of the little trust that I had left for the Police or the Justice System. For how can they just leave a victim in limbo like this?! Especially while my abuser is free to roam the streets without any bail conditions whatsoever. Especially after I have been living this case for four years with no outcome.
I am trying my hardest not to act on how I feel. Hurt, betrayed, angry, sad. Knowing that if I act on these feelings impulsively, I will end up backing out of the investigation altogether. Then he gets away with it all over again. I cannot do that. Deep down I know I have to be the one to fight, even though I am tired, scared, feeling vulnerable.
Who is going to be my new officer? Who do I contact if something bad happens? Who will contact me if the CPS actually finally make a decision about whether to charge him or not? So many unanswered questions making my anxiety ten millions times worse than normal and only my Legal Advocate to help me try to find the answers. Thank God for her. I would be lost without her pushing the Police for answers. She has my best interests at heart. Not theirs. She fights for me and I would be stuck without her.
All I can do now is hope. Hope that my she will get answers. Hope that someone will be assigned to my case soon. Hope that the CPS will actually make a decision soon, because four years is far too long to be living through this when I have already lived a childhood of it. Hope that justice finally prevails.
Hope is all I have to keep going.
I have to hope. Hope that justice will finally find its way to me. For justice is truth in action and all I have ever done is tell the truth.
Justice exists when truth is honoured and it’s about time that justice starts to show itself. I’ve been waiting far too long….
Thanks for reading.
** Image courtesy of Google Images **