Sometimes life throws you a curveball. When it does you have to decide whether you are going to swerve it and run and hide or hit it and embrace it with all the force you can.
Life has thrown me so many curveballs already, but this latest one was certainly the most unexpected of them all.
A marriage ending is never easy but one ending when you have no other family to turn to because they all stand by your childhood abuser is a scary situation to be in.
For months I was stuck. I knew what needed to be done once he told me he wanted the divorce but I was stuck. Too scared to leave. Too scared to start the process. To scared to be alone.
Then, finally, I began to realise I was already alone. I had been for a long time. So slowly, the risk of staying, of remaining curled up in a bud, seemed way more painful than the risk of leaving and having the chance to blossom.
I had lost myself trying to please everybody else and so that day was the day that I decided to leave. For the first step to getting somewhere different, is to decide not to stay where you are.
But I was terrified. Suddenly the world was a giant and I was that little girl all over again, facing that giant alone. Unsure if I could make it, if I could survive or if this big wide world would just swallow me up whole.
After everything I have already battled in my life, I felt defeated. I was tired, ready to give up. To lay down and let that giant gobble me up.
I didn’t bet on my inner strength taking over. Refusing to see any sort of defeat. Telling me that strong walls shake but never collapse. Refusing to let me just lay down and give in to the darkness.
I guess something inside me could see that I once again needed to fall before I could fly because now, 9 months later, my life is so different.
I am in love with a man who knows me better than I know myself. A man I’ve been friends with for a good few years and who knows everything about me.
He knows all about my past and my police case and it doesn’t phase him. He knows I struggle with PTSD, with nightmares and flashbacks but instead of running scared, he holds me tight and helps me through them.
He knows about my Depression and self-harm but instead of being embarrassed and ashamed, he supports me and wants to help me find new ways to cope. Since being with him my self-harm has decreased.
He brings laughter and joy into my life and we laugh with each other every day. He is the first man I have let see me cry, the first to wipe away my tears, the first to clean my cuts. He is the first to listen to my past. The first to never try to change me. He loves me for me. For who I am now.
Sometimes the bad things that happen to us put us directly on a path to the best things to happen to us.
I have not shared this until now through fear of being judged. But no-one has the right to judge me. Nobody has lived the life I have. A life full of torture and pain and fear. A life where I have never known my true self or any sort of worth.
So I am glad for the curveballs that this life has thrown me so far. They haven’t all been easy, infact some of them have nearly killed me, but without them, I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am right now. And for that I am thankful.
Thanks for reading.
**Image courtesy of Google Images**