I’ve always felt alone in this world. Always. For as far back as I can remember. Even as a little girl, I knew I didn’t belong. I didn’t fit anywhere. My abuser hurting me and my family disowning me just made that abandonment feeling even worse. I have grown up feeling alone. Spent my whole life feeling lost. Unsure as to where I fit in this world.
I have my friends. My amazing friends. Without them I know I wouldn’t be alive and even beginning to survive this journey. But there has still been something missing. A hole. An ache. A longing. Something I could never explain because to those who never feel it, it would sound stupid. For they wouldn’t understand. I have tried to explain and sure enough I am met with confusion and blank looks. I am an adult. How can that longing still be there? They say. They just don’t understand.
So there is this hole, this ache, this longing. That no-one has ever been able to fill or fix. I have still been alone, still been lost. Unsure if I would ever belong in this world. Wondering if I would ever find a place where I would eventually fit.
And then one day, a year ago pretty much to the day, that all changed because I met you.
For some reason, fate intervened and made us connect with one another. Me in the UK and you in the USA. Oceans apart but for some reason meant to connect. And then slowly our worlds began to change and two worlds, oceans apart, started to become one.
We have both spent years feeling lost, like something is missing. Feeling like no-one in this whole world could ever understand us. Feeling overwhelmed and alone, sunk into deep depression, seeing no way out but death. Barely hanging on by a thread.
And then, in one moment, here we are. Worlds apart, yet together. We slowly realized that we are the same. We have the same heart, the same brain. We experience the same feelings and emotions. The childhood trauma we lived through has made us this way.
We have the same triggers and torment. We have the same instincts and confusion. We fight with each other when triggered but know just how to bring each other back from that hell that we call childhood.
We have the same difficulty to trust and know the need to be patient and kind to one another, understanding that we have both built up walls around that hole that no-one has ever fought hard enough to break down.
And yet here we are, ready to break down those walls for each other.
Some people will not understand our connection, but to me that does not matter.
They do not understand because they have not lived through what we have.
They have not experienced the trauma of childhood abuse.
They have not experienced the trauma of being abandoned as a child. Never being nurtured. Never being shown love or shown how to handle emotion.
They have not experienced never growing up without a loving mother or father to turn to or having to grow up at such a young age that you had no childhood at all.
They have not experienced losing your entire family in one day- Mother, Sisters, Brother, Nephews, Neice, Nan, Aunt, Uncle and Cousins – because they chose to disown you and support your rapist and abuser.
They have not experienced your own two children walking away and supporting your abusers because your abusers, your parents, call you a liar and your children believe them.
They do not know how it feels for either of you to live through every day wanting to make contact with those who walked away but knowing that the right thing to do for your own heart is to stay away.
They do not understand any of this.
So how can they understand our connection? A bond formed of pure love because we know nothing else.
A bond formed because we have the exact same brain and know exactly how each others mind works whether we are happy or sad or angry.
A bond formed because our hearts are the same. Our love is always honest and true. We don’t know how to lie or how to hurt people.
A bond formed because we know the longing of wanting that emptiness filled so badly. Me, the mother I have longed for my whole life. Someone to love me for me and nurture me and guide me through life. You, the daughter you always wanted and someone who just understands you for you, as you are now. For you to love and nurture and have the motherly bond with.
Well, finally, now, we have found that bond to fill that emptiness. Fate led us to each other and now we know we were meant to be family.
So no, maybe people do not understand our connection, but that is OK. Because I would never wish what we have lived through on anyone.
But right now, in this one moment, I can be glad I have lived through it, because it led me to you.
I was losing myself and you brought me back, because I loved you when I couldn’t love myself.
You travelled the oceans for me, to pick up the pieces of my broken soul and slowly start gluing them back together. You are finally helping me begin to heal.
You took a chance on me like nobody ever has before. You have shown me that I am not disposable. That I am loveable.
You have given me a place to belong. Somewhere to fit. Somewhere where I finally feel equal and no ocean or person will ever break our bond.
You rescued me. You save me every day from giving in to the darkness and I will always fight to save you too.
I love you, Tonya.
You are forever the hero of my heart.
Thanks for reading.
**Image is my own**