There are things in life that you should never break; promises, trust, and someones heart.
Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the one person who you thought would never hurt you.
As I sit here, crumpled on the floor, tears stream from my eyes and sobs ring out from within me. I feel like my soul is being torn apart as I realize that I truly loved him with all of my heart.
Knowing about my past, I thought that he would finally be the one to piece me back together again. Little did I know that eventually he would tear me apart all over again.
I am so in love with him that I ignored the signs. Too afraid of once again being alone, I didn’t want to see what was right infront of my eyes. Slowly he became a stranger who once meant everything to me.
As he walks towards the door and tells me he is leaving, I can feel the pain in my chest from the heartbreak. I can literally feel it as I struggle to catch my breath.
I punch the wall, hit the ground, scream. Try to make the pain go away, but nothing makes it leave. Not even the blade that makes the blood trickle from my wrist once again.
I am broken in a heap, left questioning something that I thought was unquestionable. My heart is breaking. My tummy hurting, tied up in a thousand knots as all my tiny butterflies inside just died.
There are plenty of ways to die. But only love can kill you and keep you alive to feel it.
For hearts can break. Yes hearts can break. I wish sometimes that we would die when they did, but we don’t. We are left here. Alive. Feeling every broken piece. Tortured. Minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by day. The pain doesn’t leave. Like shardes of glass the pieces pierce us over and over.
I have felt my share. My god I have felt my share. In all honesty, I don’t remember what it feels like not to feel broken. For I have never felt whole.
But I thought that he was healing me. Yet here I sit, broken even more.
Alone again. I cannot eat. I cannot sleep. I barely make it through the day. I am trying so hard not to sink. Trying not drown. Trying not to just give up. Trying to not just stop living. How easy it would be to make this all just go away.
Some days all I want to do is lie in bed and take all of my medicine, so that I can finally fall asleep again before I fall apart. For I am scared that my heart cannot take much more pain.
The sadness it has already endured is enough for one lifetime. Why does it keep being punished? Is there something wrong with me? Am I unloveable? Will I be alone forever?
Depression creeps in. Darkness looms. Monsters and voices take control. I am worthless, useless, unwanted and many more.
My eyes are sore and hurting as yet again I am crying. I barely make it through each day without crying right now. Sadness fills my body, mind and soul. Pain eats me up inside. I am only functioning because I am on autopilot. In survival mode. I am used to living in survival mode, for I have done it my whole life.
More pain. More tears. Alone. Eurgh.
And yet, maybe my eyes need to be washed by the tears so that I can start to see a little clearer.
Maybe right now being alone is better than being around someone who hurts me. Around people who do not value me. Maybe this way I will not be hurt again.
After all, I have been alone most of my life. He didn’t love me before we met and I was strong enough to handle things by myself. But that doesn’t stop me being scared. It doesn’t stop this hurting. It doesn’t stop this pain.
I have lost the man I love. He hurt me.
I am losing another family all over again.
I am alone all over again.
My heart is broken all over again.
It was barely put back together as it was.
It takes a strong heart to love. But it takes an even stronger heart to continue to love after being hurt. I was willing to give him my heart…my all…my everything…my past. I gave him my trust. The hardest thing in the world.
Now I am left wondering just how much more my heart can take. Broken trust and sadness will now close it once again until honesty and love is finally found. It will not be easy for someone to break down my walls. For this heart has been broken too many times before.
I am sad. I am hurting. I am grieving. I am lost. I am ready to give up. Wondering just how much more this life wants to throw at me before it expects me to break.
I know I have to fight. I know I have to continue to somehow battle on, for the police case needs me more than ever…I have to protect other children…I have to become their voice….but I am frightened.
I am a fragile mess. Shattered. Broken pieces scattered across the ground. I don’t know how to put myself back together again this time. I’m not sure if I can when feeling so alone.
I am ready to stop fighting. I am tired. I am broken.
I am lonely. Fighting this battle alone is hard…scary…dark.
I guess it is when you feel like you are fighting alone in life that you should fight the hardest, because if you don’t, you won’t survive. For no-one is there to do it for you. No-one can put you back together but you.
I am lonely. I am fragile. I am shattered. Broken pieces scattered all around.
But somehow, I don’t know how, I am still fighting. I am not defeated.
Somehow, I will piece myself back together again… one tiny, fragile piece at a time.
Thanks for reading.
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