I don’t think people understand how stressful it is to explain what is going on in your head when sometimes you don’t even understand it yourself.
It has taken me weeks to write this piece. Many times I have put pen to paper and my hand just wouldn’t move. Partly through fear, partly through exhaustion. The thoughts and feelings and words have been in my head but I have not been able to think clearly enough to process them and right them down.
The news that my abuser has been taken off of bail while I have to go through more police interviews, has hit me hard. How does he have more rights than me? What about my rights, my safety? Don’t they care?
My anxiety has increased and my mind has been so fuzzy that it has been hard to process anything lately. I am trapped in a dark place.
Depression fills my mind and blackness fills my heart. I need a break from my own thoughts but that break never comes.
Finding out news about my family from a friend was the last straw. It pushes me over the edge that have been precariously balancing on for months.
Sadness entombs me piece by piece, as I realise that my family really have given up on me, disowned me and want nothing to do with me.
A pain pierces my heart like a dagger. Except this dagger is full of jagged edges which get stuck on the way in and the way out. It tears at my heart bit by bit.
Sadness rises within me, a pain so great that it fills me with dread. Like something terrible is going to happen. It rises in my chest and I can barely breathe. I fight. I fight it so hard but it just keeps rising. From my chest, to my throat, to my head, until it reaches my eyes.
I squeeze them shut. The feeling of dread so intense that I can barely cope. The fear of crying is so strong that I hold my breath to make it go away.
When the dagger is finally through with my heart for the day, it slams into my brain. My abusers voices fill my mind; worthless, unloved, unwanted, a burden. They fuel my depression and send me into the darkness.
The monsters in the shadows wrap their arms around me as I get lost inside my mind. Hatred for myself fills me up.
Insomnia gains control once more, as I lay in the darkness, lost in my thoughts. When I eventually close my eyes, his face is in my dreams, turning them into nightmares. The nightmares turn into terrors, into memories that I do not want to see. I wake, full of scratches, my body bruised from fighting him in my sleep.
Exhaustion settles in.
I am unsure how I am even functioning anymore. My auto pilot takes control, getting me from A to B. Making sure I function and work and live. Everything a daze. Everything fuzzy.
Dissociation sets in. The pain and sadness I feel inside is just too much to handle. My brain goes into protection mode. It stops me feeling anything but numb. Somehow, when I feel like I can go no further, it reboots and gives me enough strength to get up and fight again.
The hardest part is waking up in the morning remembering what I was trying to forget the day before. The darkest place I’ve ever seen is deep inside me and nothing scares me more. For I know where my thoughts take me. They take me to a scary place where I no longer want to stay. For I am terrified that I will not be able to bring myself back.
I am depressed. Really depressed. My mouth tells you “I’m fine”, but my eyes tell a different story. My heart slowly whispers a dark song. My soul just weeps, silently crying for someone to save me. But no one comes. No one saves me.
Depression rules my mind. I feel so disconnected from the world. I feel like no one even notices me or cares about me anymore. Depression means I no longer control my thoughts. Instead my thoughts control me.
It is exhausting, fighting a war within my head every day while pretending I am not. I am too afraid to speak up because of the shame connected to mental illness. Too scared to ask for help through fear of being judged.
I am too scared to let people in in case I get hurt again. Yet at the same time I am longing for someone to care enough to break down the walls I have built to protect myself. Longing for someone to pull the dagger our of me and to fix my broken pieces. To fix my broken heart and comfort my damaged mind.
Strength isn’t always shown in front of us. Sometimes it is those who fight battles we know nothing about.
The trauma and abuse I suffered in childhood has built an inner strength within me. A mountain so high that I have climbed it so many times. It has given me the strength to try to save myself. Somehow this pain I feel will become my strength.
What I am looking for, what I need to survive, is within me. You may see me struggle but you will never see me quit. I know I have the strength to save myself. I know I have that tiny spark within me. But right now I cannot see it. Right now my spark has disappeared into the blackness. It has been taken over by the shadows.
I need someone to care. I need someone to break down my walls. I need someone to pull this jagged dagger out and help me put my broken pieces back together, one little bit at a time.
Maybe then, once the jagged dagger of pain is removed, I will finally start to see the light again. That is where I will once again find my tiny spark that will give me the strength to survive.
Thanks for reading
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