For me, nothing is more important than saving children from what I have been through. Even if I can only save one child from Childhood Sexual Abuse, then my pain and suffering will be worth something.
This is what keeps me going when I am struggling. Knowing that me speaking up, sharing my story, telling my truth, could save a child from the darkness. The darkness and despair that I have, and still am, living through.
I was once an innocent, defenceless child with no voice and nobody spoke up for me. No-one helped me. No-one saved me. No-one became my voice. Instead they left me to live through over twenty years of rape and abuse. My family, the authorities, everyone left me in the darkness. No-one becoming a light to see me through.
Sometimes I am unsure how I have even made it this far, to this point. How I survived. Then I remember, I have not survived this yet. I am a broken child in an adults body. I am still fighting for survival.
I have not yet escaped the darkness of my childhood. I am still here only because I have somehow been able to see a tiny glimmer of light. A tiny bit of hope showing me that maybe I can survive. Maybe I can reach the light and come through the darkness. Maybe I can finally find freedom and most of all peace.
Right now I am struggling. I have hit a wall of darkness and I am unable to break through. Depression entombs me piece by piece, making everyday life hard. Memories and nightmares of the abuse fill my mind and sorrow fills my heart. My past hurts me. It physically and mentally hurts me. It is times like this that I struggle to see the light. I forget that in order for a light to shine, it must in fact be surrounded by darkness. Stars cannot shine without darkness.
Slowly, I remember why I am on this horrible journey. I am on this journey to save other children from the monsters that stole my innocence and took my childhood. For I had no-one to protect me. I had no-one to free me from my world of darkness. I had no flashlight showing me the way, to keep me safe from the monsters lurking in the shadows.
Barely in double digits, I had to be my own light. I had to find my own strength to bring me out of despair. I had to find my own courage to fight to survive.
It wasn’t easy. The hardest thing I’ve done was to find some light deep down in the depths of darkness. A light that made me believe that life was worth living. Somehow I found this light when all hope was fading away.
I do not know how or why or where this light came from but it was there. Hope being able to see the light in the darkness. Telling me that my light, my life, was meant to shine.
By magic or miracle or some force unknown, I was the light that was shining. Me. No-one shone their light for me, so I had to light my own way, one small step at a time.
Even though my world was full of darkness all around me, that little light shone within me. Sometimes I was the only thing shining for miles. Somehow I lit a path for myself to follow when no-one else would.
My abusers tried to dim my light. Mental illness tried to put my light out. But nothing could dim the light the shone from within. Somehow I kept going. I kept fighting. I keep going. I keep fighting. My light somehow keeps shining even though I cannot always see it.
Even on my darkest days it is there, a tiny glimmer in the distance. Reminding me to use my voice. Reminding me to shine. Reminding me that my light has always been there. It doesn’t have an off switch. I just have to use the light to guide me.
No matter how tough or dark this journey is for me, I have to let my light shine brightly so that others can see their way out of the dark. I finally have a voice and nothing is more important than using it and saving a child’s life. Nothing is more important that stopping Childhood Sexual Abuse once and for all.
I have to sit with the children in the dark, be their voice and overcome their darkness. I have to let my light be their source of strength and courage. I have to be the light and voice for them that nobody was for me.
Mental Illness continues to try to put out my light, but I continue fighting. I fight the darkness my mental illnesses cause every single day. Even on the days I do not win – the days where the PTSD or Depression take hold, the days when my BPD and Anxiety tell me I am not good enough, that I should just disappear – my light is still there. It is just quietly resting, battling, trying to regain its power.
My abusers continue to try to dim my light but they do not see that I was born to shine. I will not dim my light just because it is shining in their eyes. I will light my own path as I have always done and I will share my story and my truth. I will break my silence and the terrible secret my abusers made me carry. I will show others that they too can be a light and break the silence.
I will become the children’s flashlight and I will guide them to safety. I will save them from their darkness.
In doing so I will give them the freedom to shine just like they were born to do!
Thanks for reading reading
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