There are two types of pain in this world. The first is a pain that hurts you and beats you. The second is a pain that hurts you but changes you.
Often it is the deepest pain which empowers you to grow to your highest self.
The past month has definitely been the hardest, most painful part of my journey so far. I have sunk into a darkness so great, so powerful, that I was unsure whether I could ever bring myself back into the light.
I have been drowning. Hurt after hurt, betrayal after betrayal, has drowned me in emotion. Emotion so intense, a pain so severe, that I have struggled to cope. Self-harm once again becoming frequent, I have been suffering. No-one knows the true extent of my suffering because somehow I manage to hide it in a place deep down inside.
The past month has been scary. I sunk to a new low. A low I have never experienced before. A low full of self-harm and bad thoughts.
I can honestly say that I was unsure whether I would survive. Yet, somehow, I have. I am still here.
People I have trusted have been betraying me left, right and centre. Making me wonder what I had done wrong. If this was all my fault. They made me wish I had never spoken up about the abuse. It felt like my world was crumbling to pieces around me.
Then something within me changed. The pain became so severe that it was unbearable. Suddenly something happened, a switch went off.
I suddenly realised that the pain I was feeling was because of others. Others were pushing me down, making me feel worthless. I was questioning whether I deserved to be alive. I was questioning my purpose.
Something inside of me snapped. Why was I letting people make me feel this way? Make me feel like I was failing? I have been through hell once already and I survived.
These people pushing me down have no idea of the torture I have endured in my lifetime. They have no idea how strong I have had to be.
Each new hurt makes me stronger. Each betrayal, each bad experience, more wise. Each disappointment more skilful. I am stronger because of the hard times and I am wiser because of my mistakes.
My mind and body have been tortured and beaten down. I have been broken and bruised, a crumpled mess and yet I am still here. Still standing. Still fighting.
I battle my mental health every day. I battle the memories of what the monsters did to me every day. I battle a police investigation and therapy alongside holding down a fulltime job. Every day, every hour, I am turning my pain into power.
Pain is my motivation. I used my pain to create this blog. To help tell my story and raise awareness of childhood abuse. To become a voice for those who cannot speak.
Now the pain and sadness of stepping down to lower management at work, has led me to create my page for my artwork. A place where I can draw and turn my pain into talent. A place where selling my work will hopefully raise more awareness of my story and childhood sexual abuse. A place where I can turn what happened to me into some small kind of positive.
I was nervous and unsure about making this bold move. Yet I have only had the page for two days and already I have sold pieces and have orders from across the world! People are beginning to know my name, to know my story and they support me! They believe in me!
I am determined to make this new venture work for both myself, my family and friends and for all the other survivors that I have come to know and love. For survivors believe in each other. We support each other.
Pain is an opportunity to learn about yourself. I have learnt that I have a talent for writing and for drawing. A real talent. I will use that talent for good. To raise awareness. To become a voice. Most of all I am learning that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be and that finally I have a voice.
I will use my pain to push me to greatness, for at the end of pain there is success.
No matter how many times I fall, I will rise once more through the pain and torture of my past and I will straighten my crown.
After all, a queen always turns her pain into power!
Thanks for reading
** Image courtesy of Google Images **