Darkness begins to imprison me as I feel myself sinking lower and lower. Physically I am here, mentally I am far, far away.
My head is in a very dark place. I am lost. I am alone. No-one can find me. No-one can reach me. I feel the sadness rising within me. Day by day it builds and I can physically feel the pressure inside my head. A pressure that causes headaches and nosebleeds. A pressure that would be released by the tears that I cannot cry.
It is a pressure that builds so much it crushes me. I need to cut. I need to bleed. I need to get it out of me. I need to get him out of me. The blade pushes against my skin as I run it down my arm. The blood is warm as it trickles along my skin. The release I feel in that moment is immense.
Being silent holds the loudest pain. I am hiding what I am feeling but I am tired of holding this inside my head. All I want to do right now is cry and scream and let the hurt out because it is killing me inside.
My heart is in a million pieces and I don’t know how to fix it.
Darkness entombs me bit by bit as I smile through the pain. The darkness I carry in my heart begins to weigh me down. I am drowning, sinking deeper and deeper, there is no way out.
The darkness, the monsters within me, begin their reign of terror once more. Their voices ring through my body, telling me how worthless and unloved I am. Over and over they wear me down until I can take it no more.
All I want is silence. To destroy the monsters, the darkness, but they imprison me inside a nightmare.
It is hard to wake up from the darkness if you aren’t asleep. Sometimes all you can do is smile, move on with your day, hold back the tears and pretend you are OK.
It is not always tears that measure pain. Sometimes it is the smile we fake.
I am the girl who never stops smiling. You will never see me cry no matter how much I want to. I don’t know how to cry. I do not know comfort. Crying is unsafe. I hope with the help of my therapist I will one day cry but right now I wear my smile. I wear my smile but I walk in the darkness.
I walk in the darkness so that others can see the light. I share my story, my darkness, my monsters so that others can know they are not alone, so that others can see the light. Will anyone ever walk the darkness with me? Will anyone ever understand the monsters inside me?
The darkness that surrounds us cannot hurt us. It is the darkness in our own hearts that we should fear.
How do you destroy a monster without becoming one? Especially when the monsters you need to destroy are inside of you?
All I want is silence. No more monsters. No more voices. No more pain. No more sadness.
All I want is light. No more darkness. No more shadow. Just light.
There must be light somewhere. There has to be a piece of me that sees it. Even now, overcome by darkness, somewhere deep down inside I must know that light exists otherwise there is no hope, no end to this journey.
Hope is being able to see that there is light despite darkness.
Only those willing to walk through the darkness will be able to see the light, for only in the darkness can you see the stars.
Right now the darkness is taking over. I am struggling. I am trying so hard to see the light…to remember it exists. The darkness will always be there but as long as I can still see the stars I know I will survive.
I am the girl who never stops smiling.
I am the girl walking through darkness.
I am the girl hoping, that somewhere, somehow, through all this darkness, she will find her star and be rid of these monsters forever.
Thanks for reading
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