“You got this” I say to myself as I button up my Management shirt. This is the first time I have worn this shirt in two years.
“You got this” I say again as my tummy churns, full of butterflies. It is a mixture of nerves and excitement.
After a year of being off sick, full of Depression and PTSD, and another year of being back in a lower position, today is my first day back as part of the Management Team.
With everything that is happening right now – the police investigation, therapy and battling my mental health – this is a huge achievement.
This is an achievement I was unsure I could reach. On the darkest days when I feel inadequate, unloved and unworthy, I struggle to believe in myself.
For a long time I didn’t think I would get here. I saw no hope, no escape. In all honesty I still have days like that now, especially when things with the case or therapy become too tough. However, I continue to slowly push forward.
I still have a long way to go to be able to get through the investigation and cope with a possible trial. I still have a long way to go to complete therapy and overcome what happened. I still battle my mental health every day but I am fighting.
Warriors are not born. They create themselves through pain and suffering, through trial and error. They create themselves by fighting and conquering their own thoughts.
I know I am good at my job, no matter what my abusers told me. I know I am valued by my employers and I know they believe in me. If they didn’t they would never have supported me as they have. I owe them so much. Just as I owe myself the chance to prove myself.
“You got this” I tell myself again, staring at myself in the mirror.
Sometimes, on hard days, I look in the mirror and hear voices. Voices that tell me that no-one is coming, no-one cares, no-one believes. Today I recognise the voices of my abusers and I look in the mirror and straighten my invisible crown. Today I am proving all those who made me feel inadequate, unloved and unworthy wrong.
Today I am unstoppable. As I look in the mirror I realise, after all the hurt, after all the scars and bruises, after all the trials, I am still standing.
I still have a lot of pain to come and I am scared. I am in no way immune to fear but I fight in spite of it. I don’t want my pain and my struggle to make me a victim forever. Quietly I will endure. Silently I will suffer. Patiently I will wait because I am a peaceful warrior and I will survive.
I want my voice, my truth, my battles, to make me someone else’s hero. I want them to know they too can survive.
I am beating the odds. With courage and strength I am battling through the wreck of my childhood. I have already survived something that I thought would kill me.
I still have my struggles. I struggle daily. I am not sure how I am going to win this war but I know that I won’t lose.
Today as I take a step back into Management, I stand with a spine of steel and a roar of thunder. The world will try its best to knock me down and remove my crown but I will get back up. I will straighten my crown.
So as I hold my head up high and take this giant step, I tell myself “You got this. You can beat the odds. You will survive”.
Now, let me adjust my crown and get started!
Thanks for reading.
**Image courtesy of Google Images**