I feel like I am in a dream, or rather a nightmare. Everything is moving in slow motion and seems so unreal.
I feel like I am standing in one spot and life is just moving past me.
Like in the movies, when a person stands frozen to the spot and you see a blur of objects and places rushing past them. How they stand with their arms out and try to touch the things swirling around them. That. That is what this feels like.
It is a self-defence mechanism that the brain uses when it cannot handle a situation. It goes into protection mode when something is just too painful to cope with.
I dissociate a lot right now. More frequently.
In all honestly I feel like I am living in a constant state of dissociation and it is horrible. I feel detached from reality. Disconnected from my body.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not just sitting at home with a fuzzy head – though that would be OK to do if I needed to. I am working. I am going to therapy. I am going to Victim Support. But I feel as if I am not really here. I am not in my body.
It is like I am mechanical. Programmed. I am doing these things because my mind and body are programmed to do so. To be normal, to do what needs to be done. To survive. However, I don’t feel like it is me.
The only way I can describe how it feels is that it is like I am separated from what is happening. Like everything in the world seems unreal. It is like I am living behind glass, watching myself go through the motions of every day life.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t exist. I find myself staring blankly into space. In these moments I don’t care or think about anything. In these moments I just feel numb.
I could have a whole conversation with you and not remember it. I go to therapy yet I don’t know how I got there. I have no memory of the journey. It is like I am programmed to go every week so I go.
Sometimes I arrive at therapy with cuts all over my hands and arms. Yet I have no recollection of self-harming before hand.
My therapist says I am dissociating because the memories of the abuse and neglect I suffered are all just too painful to cope with.
So for example, the adult part of me knows I have to go to therapy and that it will help me, but the scared child within me doesn’t want to go and feel the pain. So I dissociate. It just happens. I get there because I have to but I have no recollection of the journey.
Dissociation is not a weakness but is in fact a strong desire to survive. I am trying to keep going, trying to function, trying to live whilst dealing with so much trauma.
It is scary though. My head is constantly fuzzy. I have a constant headache from the pressure of holding all the pain and sadness inside.
It is like I am looking through a fog. People and objects seem far away. I cannot reach them. I try but I can’t. I am alone. I am lost.
Everything is too much right now. The pain and sadness caused by the trauma and the current police investigation is just too much. The PTSD and the memories are just too much. Life feels too much.
I feel hopeless, helpless. I struggle to regulate my feelings; shame, anger, guilt, pain, sadness. I am struggling to survive and I am in self-protection mode. My mind is completely shutting down and I am lost in a dense fog unable to escape.
I may seem at my weakest but this is when I fight my hardest. I am fighting to survive this. I am just frightened of the pain I have to feel and the trauma I have to relive. As sadness rises within me, I have lost myself in the fog. It is safer there.
So if I seem distant or like I’ve disappeared, please forgive me, for I am lost in the fog.
Somehow I have got to try to find myself.
Somehow I need to find my way back.
Back from this fog of dissociation.
Thanks for reading
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