Wings of transformation

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You can only fly once you are willing to give up the safety of your cocoon.

“Am I strong enough?” I think to myself. If I make this decision I know my secret will be out there for the whole world to see.

I have been thinking about it for a while; going public. Telling people my secret. No longer hiding.
I have thought about it before but this is different. This feeling is stronger. The only way I can explain it is that it is like a huge pressure inside my chest. Day by day, week by week, it builds up more and more.

The more it builds the worse I feel. I feel like I might explode at any moment and just blurt it out; “I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse!”

I have tried to silence it. For weeks I have been telling myself that I’m not ready. That speaking up is too scary. And yet the feeling is still here, stronger than ever; “I don’t want to hide anymore”.

I feel tired. Tired of the questions; “why don’t you see your family anymore?”, “why do you have PTSD?”, “Why were you off work?”. I am tired. I am tired of making excuses. I am tired of hiding my truth.

Why should I have to? I haven’t done anything wrong? I am a victim. I was a child. I am innocent.

Why should I have to hide my wings? For without them I would not have flown above my past. They are the strength I am becoming. They have helped me find my voice.

It has been hard. Finding my voice has taken me years. Reporting him was the first step. Now I have developed my voice, I am not going to stay silent. Staying silent would be like quitting before the miracle happens.

I am getting stronger. Like a butterfly I am growing and changing. I am finding my true colours in life.
The butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness and yet become something beautiful. Beauty can emerge from something falling apart.

I am finally finding my purpose. That is to become a voice for those that cannot speak for themselves. I must become a voice for the victims of childhood abuse. I must share my story, my truth, to raise awareness and stop it happening to someone else.

My wings already exist. I just have to use them!

“My secret; I am a victim…..and survivor…..of childhood sexual abuse”. I finish writing the facebook status and hover my finger over the “post” button. Doing this means no going back. Everyone will know.
“It is the right decision” I tell myself “You are ready”.
I hit post.

Almost immediately likes and comments come flooding in. “I had no idea”, “you are so brave”, “I am so proud of you”, “you are doing the right thing”.
I breathe a huge sigh of relief as I feel the weight of my secret slowing lifting.

Then suddenly I feel tears in my eyes and I am completely overwhelmed as the reality of what I have just done hits me. After twenty years I have found my voice. I don’t have to hide anymore. Whether I have good days or bad, I no longer have to hide.

Sometimes you must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar. You have to believe in your wings, take a leap and learn how to fly. It is never too late to be who you are meant to be.

Writing is my gift. So is my voice. I will use both to speak up and to raise awareness about childhood abuse. I will use both to raise awareness and stop the stigma of mental health. I will use my gifts to help save others.
That is my purpose. I know it. I can feel it.

I am finding my wings so that I can begin to fly and be on my way.

Yes I am fragile but I am also fierce.

And I am slowly beginning to transform!

Thanks for reading
** Image courtesy of Google Images **

3 thoughts on “Wings of transformation

  1. Hallelujah!!! Doing a great big Happy Dance over here, across the pond! I’m so very proud of you,, and your determination to succeed, and make some sense of the horrors of your childhood. You are an amazing young woman, and I think you have a great future in front of you, with very important work, and a noble purpose! I salute you, brave warrior!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you from a fellow childhood sexual abuse survivor, for being as brave as you have been, and for speaking up about what happened to you. You are brave and you are an inspiration to many – especially when the darkness clouds out the light at times – it helps to know that we are not alone in how we think and feel. And damnit, keep on transforming!

    Like

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