Storms don’t last forever.
It feels like they might. It feels like this storm will never end but it will. I have to have hope that it will. Otherwise what am I fighting for?
I feel like my life is a constant storm full of dark clouds and tornados. My head constantly spinning, full of emotions I don’t want to feel and struggle to understand.
Right now, the sun has stopped shining for me.
I know it is there. I know it exists. There is sunshine in my life. It takes the form of my husband, my friends, my supporters and my job. They are my little pieces of sunshine when things get tough.
However sometimes this storm seems just a little too rough to handle. That is when the darkness takes over.
Memories of the abuse make me feel so isolated. Flashbacks and nightmares that are mine and only mine making me feel so alone. I am like a single dark cloud in a clear blue sky.
The police investigation makes me feel like this storm will never end. It is like a tornado, travelling in different directions, throwing obstacles and debris in its wake.
Clouds cover my sunshine making me feel like I will never find the peace and freedom that I long for.
I have lost people I love, learning that it is in the storm that you find out who truly cares for you.
I have lost the ones I thought were my sunshine who weren’t. I have gained the ones I never knew before who have become my little rays of sunshine in the midst of a storm.
I have lived in this storm for so long. Bending under the force of the wind, then standing back up again once the worst bits have passed over.
Sometimes feeling like I will never stand again and will instead surrender to the storm, I struggle through. Medication and therapists get me through. Deep down I know that I cannot just give up. I know that I will whether the storm and continue standing.
It is at my lowest points that I learn, once again, that the calm always comes after a storm. My lonely cloud of depression floating above the storm to try to find the sunshine. Realising that there are some things that can only be learnt in a storm and that the struggle I may be in today is developing the strength I may need for tomorrow.
Some days I can be stronger than others. Sometimes I can keep my face towards to the sunshine and never see a shadow. Other times I struggle, feeling like my sunshine has disappeared completely. Scared that I will be unable to once again fly above the storm to find the sun.
Sometimes my storm turns into a thunderstorm. A dark and scary place full of voices and demons that I cannot escape. Making me believe that my lonely cloud will never again see sunlight.
Rain pours, drowning me in emotion. Filling me with darkness. I struggle to breathe. I struggle to survive.
This is the place where I see the stars shining so brightly and I realise, stars cannot shine without darkness. I have to go through the dark times to find myself. To find my strength. To find my courage. To shine.
This is the place where I know I must never give up fighting. Today is hard, tomorrow will be worse, but maybe, the day after will be where I find the sunshine once more. For it always comes. Even the darkest night eventually ends and the sun will rise.
A storm doesn’t last forever. It can scare you. It can shake you to the core but it will not last forever. Eventually the rain will stop, the thunder will quiet and the wind will be a gentle whisper. It is in that moment, when all is silent and still, that you will find peace. You survived.
You won’t remember how you made it through or how you managed to survive. You may not be entirely sure if the storm is even truly over. But one thing is for certain. You will not be the same person as you were when you walked in.
I am still in my storm but I am in no way the same person I was when I walked into it. I have changed. Yes I am more vulnerable but I am also stronger. Stronger and more resiliant than I ever thought I could be. I am more courageous and walk head first into the storm instead of running away. I am growing more beautiful every day because I fight for myself and I am finally learning who I am.
I am in the middle of a bad storm right now. I am tired and I am sad. This storm feels like it will last forever. It won’t. I know there must be sunshine for me out there somewhere. Nothing but sunshine…. without the storm. There must be.
Thanks for reading.
** Image courtesy of Google Images **