I am tired of wearing a fake smile. I am tired of telling everyone I’m fine. Most of all I am exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.

I am in a downward spiral of pain and sadness. I feel like I am here but I’m not. Like someone cares but they don’t. Like maybe I belong somewhere and yet I don’t.

I am just existing. Secretly falling apart. Living in a state of numbness. Slipping into darkness. Falling into depression.
There is no reason for trying, no reason for talking, no reason for breathing. Something inside me is giving up.

I am tired of getting memories that I don’t want to remember. Fed up of the flashbacks taking me back to the hell I have already lived through. Exhausted from the nightmares that keep me awake every night.
Why am I still having to relive this hell? Isn’t once enough? Why am I being punished this way?

Emotions I have never felt before are surfacing, overflowing. My inner thoughts are heavy. I am drowning, struggling to keep myself afloat.
Pain, exhaustion and sorrow fill my heart and make breathing hard. Every breath feels like a lead weight holding me down.

No-one sees the tiredness. No-one sees the fight slowly leaving my body. “I’m just tired” I whisper. However it is more than lack of sleep. If only they looked deeper they would see it in my eyes. They would see how bad, how often, I hurt.

I am tired of remembering. Tired of being stuck in the past. Stuck in the memories that seem to be never-ending. Tired of feeling hopeless.

I feel too sad to be awake. I want to sleep until I feel better. I am tired of just existing and not living. I am tired of feeling everything and yet feeling nothing all at the same time.

I have lived in a state of fight or flight my whole life. It is exhausting.
I am tired of fighting. I want someone to fight for me for a change. Don’t I deserve to have someone fight for me? Just once?

No-one can though can they? I am the only one with my memories, the only one with the flashbacks and nightmares. I am the only one able to stand against him and stop him hurting another child. I have no choice.

That is a huge responsibility to carry. It is a weight that is exhausting.

I just want to give in.

I just want to sleep.

But sleep doesn’t help if it is your soul that is tired.

Thanks for reading
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