Today is a bad day. Infact today is the worst day I have had in a long time.
I am so sad that I struggle to find the words to explain it. However, I can tell you that it hurts. It physically hurts.
The pain in my chest is unbearable. An ache that just won’t go away.
My chest is heavy. I feel like I am suffocating yet still breathing.
A feeling of dread sits within me. A fear that something terrible is going to happen. I don’t know what, I don’t know why, but it sits within me. Utter dread.
I am angry.
Angry at my stepfather. Angry at my mother. Angry at my family for not believing me. Angry at the system for abandoning me.
Mostly I am angry at myself.
Angry that I cannot control my emotions and just snap out of this horrible down day.
Maybe I deserve to feel this way for not being strong enough to cope? Maybe it is my punishment for not fighting harder?
I feel completely vulnerable today. Too scared to tell people how I feel. Too scared to ask for help and support. I don’t want to be a burden.
I go through the motions of the day as if in a zombified state. One minute feeling emotions so intense, the next just feeling numb, not caring about anything or anyone.
I lose myself minute by minute as the sadness takes over.
I am entombed by darkness. I am caged, unable to escape, unable to run. For a split second I wish I was dead. I wish I could disappear and make this pain disappear at the same time.
The pain in my chest grows, suffocating me more and more as each hour passes.
I am exhausted. Emotions are draining me mentally and physically.
I close my eyes but I can’t bare to see the things I see as soon as I do. I can’t bare to sleep for fear of nightmares.
I have bags under my eyes. My lips are cracked and sore from the anxious biting. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of not being fought for.
Today is a bad day. The worst in a long time.
I pick up my blade and drag it across my skin; once, twice and then some more. Each cut, each drop of blood, brings at least a little relief. It gives me a new pain to focus on for at least a little while.
I want to give up this fight but I can’t. Not yet. Not now. Not until he is punished and other children are safe.
I want to give up. I am battered and broken and alone in this hell I am living in.
Each day is a different battlefield. Not knowing which emotion will hit me next. I am not living, just surviving.
I want to give up this fight but I won’t. I have to be a voice.
Today is just a bad day.
Today I am an emotional wreck.
Today hurts like hell!
Thanks for reading
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