Today hurts like hell.

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Today is a bad day. Infact today is the worst day I have had in a long time.
                                                                               I am so sad that I struggle to find the words to explain it. However, I can tell you that it hurts. It physically hurts.
                                                                          The pain in my chest is unbearable. An ache that just won’t go away.
My chest is heavy. I feel like I am suffocating yet still breathing.
                                                                              A feeling of dread sits within me. A fear that something terrible is going to happen. I don’t know what, I don’t know why, but it sits within me. Utter dread.
                                                                               I am angry.
Angry at my stepfather. Angry at my mother. Angry at my family for not believing me. Angry at the system for abandoning me.
                                                                    Mostly I am angry at myself.
Angry that I cannot control my emotions and just snap out of this horrible down day.
                                                                    Maybe I deserve to feel this way for not being strong enough to cope? Maybe it is my punishment for not fighting harder?
                                                                               I feel completely vulnerable today. Too scared to tell people how I feel. Too scared to ask for help and support. I don’t want to be a burden.
                                                                               I go through the motions of the day as if in a zombified state. One minute feeling emotions so intense, the next just feeling numb, not caring about anything or anyone.
I lose myself minute by minute as the sadness takes over.
                                                                               I am entombed by darkness. I am caged, unable to escape, unable to run. For a split second I wish I was dead. I wish I could disappear and make this pain disappear at the same time.
                                                                          The pain in my chest grows, suffocating me more and more as each hour passes.
                                                                                I am exhausted. Emotions are draining me mentally and physically.
I close my eyes but I can’t bare to see the things I see as soon as I do. I can’t bare to sleep for fear of nightmares.
                                                                               I have bags under my eyes. My lips are cracked and sore from the anxious biting. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of not being fought for.
                                                                      Today is a bad day. The worst in a long time.
                                                                               I pick up my blade and drag it across my skin; once, twice and then some more. Each cut, each drop of blood, brings at least a little relief. It gives me a new pain to focus on for at least a little while.
                                                                               I want to give up this fight but I can’t. Not yet. Not now. Not until he is punished and other children are safe.
                                                                               I want to give up. I am battered and broken and alone in this hell I am living in.
                                                                          Each day is a different battlefield. Not knowing which emotion will hit me next. I am not living, just surviving.
                                                                               I want to give up this fight but I won’t. I have to be a voice.
                                                                      Today is just a bad day.
Today I am an emotional wreck.
Today hurts like hell!
                                                                   Thanks for reading
**Image courtesy of Google Images**

2 thoughts on “Today hurts like hell.

  1. Dear Gemma
    I wish I could wave a magic wand and take away your excruciating pain…but I can’t. I’m so glad that you have this outlet of writing to offload some of the horrors you have survived, to get some of the burden out of you, and onto a page. It’s awful for me to read of your suffering, but how very much worse for you to have to actually experience, and overcome it!!,! It’s just mind-boggling to me! I am so very proud of you for not lying down and succumbing…you could have taken the easier way, but you didn’t! You are a very brave, strong young woman, despite what you have been told by your oppressors, and your fierce indignation is righteous, unlike their actions! Their evil , ugly, selfish ways are about to be exposed to all who have eyes to see, and ears to hear, and you will be vindicated. Unfortunately you still bear the brunt of the consequences of their deeds, and the ongoing neglect, and for that I am very sorry. Please know that you didn’t deserve any of their maltreatment….although none of us is perfect, their flaws and failures are much greater than yours, for they betrayed the trust and love of a child. Although it adds to your suffering to still care about your siblings despite receiveing no loving response from them in return, I am glad that you have a heart that chooses to love anyway. You have chosen the best path…and I wish you well! I pray for deep peace and comfort when you are tempted to believe that you can’t win…you already have won, as far as I’m concerned! You are deeply loved, and you are supported by many, many of us, who believe in you. ❣

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Carrie xx

      Thank you for your kind words and for always taking the time to read my posts. Thank you for continuing to support me.

      I am in a bad down spell at the moment. I know I have done the right thing….and I know I have to be a voice…. but on days like today it is hard… xx

      Thanks again. Your support means the world xx

      Liked by 1 person

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