To my sibling on your birthday,
I am sure you woke up this morning most likely thinking I do not care but you are wrong. I care more than you will ever know.
By now you will know of your fathers arrest for what he did to me. I can only assume that the fact that none of you have contacted me means that she, our mother, has got to you and told you how I am a trouble maker and a liar.
I do not blame you for thinking badly of me after all of the lies I know they will have told you. I expected you to stand by them. They are your parents afterall.
However here is the thing you need to know;
No matter how many times they tell you I do not care about you they are lying!
Just because you are not with me, just because we do not speak, it does not mean that I do not care. It does not mean that I don’t love you.
They will tell you I lied about what he did.
What they will not tell you is that I loved you all so much that I let him hurt me so that he would not hurt you.
They will not tell you that I waited until you were all over 18 to report him so that your childhood was not taken like mine was.
They will not tell you that I am believed by the authorities.
They will not tell you how they took my childhood and how many times they called me unwanted and a mistake.
They will not tell you how many times I tried to walk away but couldn’t because my love for you was, is, too strong. Or how I played hapoy families for years because I was too scared of losing you all.
They will not tell you that the decision to report him was the hardest decision of my life. Or how I had no choice because I knew he had hurt another child. It is my responsibility to stop him.
You may never know the things he did to me or the pain I endured. Infact I hope you never know the details.
You may never see the scars that run from my hands to my shoulders or from my toes to my knees. The scars from the blades that I took to my own skin just to cope with what they did to me. It was the only way I could survive.
You may never know any of these things because they will never tell you. They will never tell you the truth you deserve. The truth I deserve.
I cannot call to wish you happy birthday because you refuse to take my calls.
I cannot write to you on facebook because you have all blocked me.
The only way I can wish you happy birthday is in this letter.
A letter that I cannot post for fear of repurcussions at a time when I am most vulnerable and need my strength.
I know you blame me for what happened….but this is his doing. He hurt me, and other children, more than you will ever know. I had no choice but to report him but that doesn’t stop me loving you. It doesn’t stop me caring.
Maybe one day you will see this letter and know how much I care. Though I fear by then it will be too late. It has already been a year.
You are not with me. You are not by my side. However you are always in my mind.
Even if you stop loving me, I will never stop loving you.
Happy birthday dear sibling.
I love you. Xx
Thanks for reading
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