I have always thought that an orphan was a child whose parents have died. That is until I saw a recent T.V programme and did some research.
Orphan; a child whose parents are dead or who have abandoned them permanently.
My mother is alive. My father is alive (I have never met my real father but I am assuming he is still alive). My step-father is alive. But I am an orphan…. or at least I feel like one.
They all abandoned me in childhood. Oh, my mother and step-father were there in body but I was not their child. I was their plaything.
For as far back as I can remember I was alone. My childhood was not full of joy and love but was instead full of pain and sorrow.
My childhood was filled with loneliness. Not the normal physical loneliness of being alone. My loneliness was the loneliness of being unwanted and unloved.
My mother abandoned me without real reason. I don’t think I will ever know why she chose my abuser over me. Her abandonment left in me a darkness and an emptiness I find hard to explain.
She has created a wound in me that I don’t think will ever heal. A mothers love can never be filled or replaced.
I reached out to her so many times. I reached out for what I wished I had but she would never give it to me. She never gave me her love.
I have an emptiness inside me. I have a hole in my soul that I carry with me every minute of every day. It is a sadness that consumes me.
I have grown up alone and with a broken heart. I have grown up with something missing, with a hole in my heart. I do not know how it feels to have a family who loves me. I feel broken.
My heart is broken. My hopes are broken. My spirit is broken. How can I stay together when I am so broken?
I don’t know where I belong. I have no roots. She took them from me the moment she chose my abuser over me.
I have no mother. I have no father. Right now I have no siblings either. They have been taken from me too. I am all alone. I am an orphan.
I carry the wounds she created every day. Her words repeating in my head over and over; “mistake”, “burden”, “liar”, “selfish”, “unwanted”. I will never forget. An abandoned child never forgets.
The hunger of love is difficult to remove. I longed for my mothers love and acceptance for years. Instead now I grieve as I remind myself that it will never be.
I am an orphan. Not through death but through abandonment. Through her choice. Through their choice.
I will never know a mothers unconditional love.
That wound will never heal but will forever be a scar. All I can hope is that gradually that scar will fade and that slowly this unimaginable pain will ease.
I am abandoned.
I am alone.
I am an orphan.
Thanks for reading.
**Image courtesy of Google Images**