I am stuck. Stuck in a chrysalis of sadness.
For years I have been guarding myself in a cocoon of different masks.
I have been too afraid to show how I really feel. Too afraid to accept how I really feel. Instead I have tried to protect myself by showing everyone my masks. I have tried to convince myself that those masks were who I am.
In reality I was, I am, in terrible pain. I feel a sadness I struggle to explain.
After years of hiding the truth, the risk of remaining the same, the risk of continuing to show my masks was greater than the risk of change. I lost myself. He controlled me. They controlled me.
So I stepped out of my chrysalis of safety and reported my abuser. Stupidly I thought I would feel better. How wrong I was.
Now, instead of being in a chrysalis of safety and protection, I am cocooned in sadness.
Memories and nightmares remind me of the abuse and neglect I have suffered.
Triggers and flashbacks bring new memories I have never had before. These memories bring emotions I have never had before.
I am engulfed in sadness. I am overcome by a pain so intense that my chest physically hurts inside.
I am barely making it through each day. This pain is just too much to cope with. I feel cocooned in isolation and I cannot find my way out of this darkness.
I am frightened. I want to disappear. I am stuck.
I am stuck in this chrysalis of emotion. A cocoon of sadness and pain so terrible that I sometimes feel death would be easier. There are no masks in this cocoon. Just fear. Darkness, fear, pain and sadness. They consume me.
The only thing keeping me from giving up is knowing that it is my responsibility to stop him hurting other children. I must.
Somehow I find the strength, the hope to believe that stopping him and protecting others will help me emerge from this chrysalis transformed.
I hope that somehow I can find the strength to endure this pain, make it through this journey and find my wings.
Right now I am breaking inside. Right now I am struggling. Right now I am stuck.
I am stuck in this chrysalis waiting for the perfect moment to break free. I have not found it yet for my wounds are too raw but I am waiting for the day that I can finally burst forth from this chrysalis and find my wings.
Maybe then I will be able to fly away from my past and be free from this pain.
I hope so anyway.
Thanks for reading
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