Trust means everything. It takes a long time to develop and just seconds to destroy.
I won’t apologise for my trust issues. I have been hurt too many times. However I am learning that the best way to find out if you can trust someone is to trust them.
As I sit with my contact from Victim Support I am feeling muddled and emotional.
She doesn’t know it yet because I am too scared to tell her but I trust her and that absolutely terrifies me!
Why? Because by trusting her I am making myself vulnerable. What if she hurts me? What if I trust her and she betrays me? What if she leaves me?
However here is the thing; she doesn’t leave me. Even when I try to push her away, which I do a lot, she still doesn’t leave me.
She knows I am testing her. She knows I am pushing her away because that is better than her leaving me. Yet still she is here, she does not leave.
She takes time for me. She listens to me. She has taken the time to get to know me.
She knows I self-harm. Yet she does not scould me, she does not get angry. She instead checks that I am OK and helps me clean and dress my wounds.
She tells me it is OK that I am scared and that I am allowed to feel angry and sad. She says I am allowed to feel however I feel and that all my feelings are justified.
Then, as I sit there with tears in my eyes, feeling fragile and afraid, she hugs me. She holds me so tight that I couldn’t self-harm even if I wanted to.
She tells me that I am strong and courageous. She says that I am good, not bad, like I have always been led to believe by my family. She comforts me, all the while telling me that she is here for me and will not leave.
This is new to me. I never let people hug me. Yet now something inside of me tells me not to pull away from her. Instead I give in and shrink into her arms.
A wave of emotion overcomes me and, still too scared to cry, I feel like I want to cut. I am not used to feeling comfort and I am frightened. I reach for my blade, wanting to cut and get rid of all these feelings. Instead I do something I have never done before; I hand her my blade and ask her to throw it away.
This, I think, is my way of showing not only her but also myself, that I trust her. I mean I must do because that blade is my safety blanket. I would not hand it over unless sure and yes, I have others, but I sat there and handed her that blade. I must trust her.
She knows I am vulnerable. She knows I have trust issues and that I do not trust easily and she has taken the time to earn my trust.
She knows the sorrow behind my smile. She sees the love behind my anger and the reason behind my silence.
I have pushed her and pushed her and still she is here.
I do not trust words but I do trust actions. She has verified her words with actions. She has earnt my trust. I know deep down I can trust her, I can feel it in my gut.
I guess we should always trust out gut for it knows what our head hasn’t figured out yet.
I do have trust issues. I do not trust easily. I don’t even trust myself when trying to decide whether to trust someone. Yet this time I know my gut is right. I can feel it.
I will have doubts. I will get scared and have wobbles and question her. However, from somewhere deep down inside, I know I can trust her.
And, after all I have been through and with my trust issues, that is a start!
Thanks for reading
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