Grief; a path I walk alone.

you_walk_a_lonely_road_by_firepaved-d5pgrn2There is no time limit on grief. Anyone who says there is clearly hasn’t lost a piece of their heart.

There are four stages of grief;

Stage one is the emotionally numb stage. This is where you don’t really feel anything at all.

Stage two is the denial and yearning stage. You deny your loss and then yearn for what you lost.

Stage three is disorganisation and dispair. This is where the sadness completely overwhelms you.

Finally is the reorganisation and reintergration stage. This is where, slowly, you begin to accept your loss and move forward.

Grief is a normal and natural response to loss but no-one can prepare you for it. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it and hits you out of nowhere.

It certainly snuck up on me and has hit me harder than I ever imagined it would.

Grief is slowly choking me and suffocating my soul. It feels like pain is wrapping itself around my heart and is slowly killing me.

Without knowing it I have already been through the first stage. I didn’t know it at the time because I didn’t feel anything….except numb. I felt numb.  Then one day, out of nowhere I started to feel an ache in my heart. An ache that I can feel all the way through to my bones.

I wouldn’t accept it. I couldn’t accept it. So instead, denial took its place. Denial about the pain my childhood caused. Then, slowly, yearning started to make an appearance. A yearning for the mother I never had. A yearning for a love I have never felt. A yearning for protection and for the childhood I lost.

Now, more recently, a deeper sorrow begins to carve into my being. A sorrow that seems just too painful to bear. This sorrow is beginning to overwhelm me. This sorrow is despair.

Despair. The stage of grief I am in now. The sadness and pain is sometimes just too overwhelming. The hurt I feel in my heart is beginning to take over. There is a pain in my head that never leaves.

I cannot control it. I have to somehow try and let myself feel it….but I don’t know how. I want to cry every second of every day. Instead I hurt myself to cope. However, it no longer takes the pain away for the sadness runs too deep. The wounds I carry from the abuse and neglect are too raw.

I move through every day with a heavy heart and a fuzzy head. Grief is consuming me. I am not living. I am just existing.

I am weighed down by the loss in my heart. Until I let myself cry and grieve my childhood, I will never get to the next stage; reintegration. Acceptance.

However I don’t know how. I don’t know how to feel it or how to let the tears come. Fear takes over. I don’t know how to accept the loss. It hurts too much.

Grief is forcing me to see who matters and who never did. Or at least who I need to accept never mattered.

Grief has become a burden I carry every day. It weighs me down like an anchor.

No-one can walk this path of grief with me because no-one understands it. It is my own path that I must walk at my own pace. I must face the denial and anger and loss. I must feel the pain and sadness. I must go through the torment before I can be free.

The reality is that I will probably be grieving my childhood forever. I will never get over it. I will just learn to live with it…. hopefully.

I will never really be whole again but, hopefully, one day I will find peace. It will just be in my own time, at my own pace.

Grief never ends but it does change. It is a passage, a path, a journey and not a place to stay.

Grief is a walk we must all do alone. The path will be winding. There will be ups and downs and twists and turns. We will reach the end eventually but at our own pace and in our own time.

Anyone who puts a time frame on it has clearly never experienced it.

For yes, life does go on…. and that is the hardest part of all!

Thanks for reading.

**Image courtesy of Google Images**

One thought on “Grief; a path I walk alone.

  1. Dear Gemma…I’m so sorry that you are suffering so greatly due to sexual abuse and neglect and betrayal by those entrusted to love and take care of you. It’s absolutely horrific, but I am so glad that you are getting help, and you continue to move forward along the path of grief. I’m so thankful that you have a measure of hope that you’ll come to a place of peace, and I encourage you to keep believing that! Please know that you are not alone as you walk your path. Your thoughts and feelings are your own, but many of us are right here, walking beside you ‘in spirit’. I hope that you have some sense of our presence alongside you. We are (quietly) cheering you on, so proud of you and your indomitable spirit. You are dearly loved, and we look forward to celebrating with you in the future…❣🎈❣

    Like

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