Haunted past

haunted.jpgIf one more person tells me to “just get on with it” or to “forget the past and move forward” I am going to scream!

No one understands what I am going through. Unless they have been there they have absolutely no idea! They expect me to forget. They expect me to move forward as if nothing ever happened. They have no idea!

They have no idea what it is like to be raped. Not just once either, not twice but hundreds of times. Not just by one man but by two or three, maybe even four!

They have no idea how it feels to know that their whole family chose to stand by and support their abuser. Or how it feels to be left feeling completely alone.

They do not know the thoughts of worthlessness the depression brings me every single day. Or how hard it is to talk myself out of wanting to die and into wanting to live.

They don’t understand the anxiety that kicks in or the fear of being hurt all over again.

They don’t experience the way the PTSD makes me relive things. Or how one small little thing such as an accent can trigger me into oblivion and can give me flashbacks and nightmares so severe that I feel like I am back in that place all over again. Where I can feel their breath on my skin and their bodies touching mine and where I feel so small and vulnerable and most of all disgusting!

They don’t experience the BPD caused by the neglect by my mother and stepfather. They don’t experience the unpredictable bouts of rage or irritability or the intense bouts of sadness where I just want to curl up in a ball and cry but can’t.

They aren’t the ones who are so scared to cry that they instead take a blade to their wrist or put burning metal on their skin. They aren’t the ones who feel like a blade is the only thing they have.

I sit here and wonder if these people who tell me to just forget and move on would be able to go through all of this. Would they actually just forget and move on or if they would give in to the pain and sadness and just end it all like I have wanted to do so many times?

I wonder if they would have the strength to live a “normal” life and pretend like everything is fine when all they want to do is break down!!

I have been through hell. I am still going through hell. A traumatic experience has changed me. I have become a different person. I cannot ever go back to the person I was before I reported my abuser. I cannot ever be as I was and just pretend it never happened. There are too many memories now and too many emotions.

It is simple for someone to tell me to just let go of the past. They haven’t lived it. They don’t have my memories. They also don’t have to be as strong as I am. They don’t have to try and survive through every single day full of pain and sadness.

So next time you think about telling me to just forget my past and move forward, take a minute to remember what I have been through. Take a minute to remember what I am still going through and ask yourself if you would be able to do it.

Every single day I am haunted by my past and by what happened to me, but I am fighting this, believe me, if I wasn’t I wouldn’t still be here!

I am the hero in the story and one day I will finally get to say “I made it” but that day is not today and probably not tomorrow, or even next month, but I will say it one day.

That will be the day I am finally able to move on from this haunted past!

Thanks for reading

**Image courtesy of Google Images**


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