I know I have said this before but I wish we could choose which memories we remember so that we could only remember the good.
Pain hits me suddenly out of nowhere. It feels like a dagger has been pushed into my heart. I can barely catch my breath. My eyes squeeze shut. My palms are sweaty. I begin to breathe so deeply I think I might explode.
The reason for this pain is a trigger, a flashback, a memory.
The more I want to forget the memories, the more I remember. No matter how much energy I use or how hard I try, the memories just keep flooding back. They aren’t easing themselves in either. It is like since reporting him a door has opened and all the memories are trying to shove their way through. Not one at a time either, but all at once.
Sometimes the memories are so bad that they knock the wind out of me. It is a pain so intense that I feel unable to breathe. Like someone has their hands around my heart and begins to squeeze. I become short of breath. My chest feels tight. Tears fill my eyes.
I don’t want to remember everything they did to me. It is hard to move on when you have bad memories pulling you back. I want to forget. I want to erase them. Just like a rubber erases pencil or tipex erases pen. However I can’t. The memories are too strong. They won’t let me.
One by one they begin to takeover; flashbacks, triggers, nightmares. Hitting me when I least expect it. They tell me I must remember all that happened. That it is important I remember. But I fight them. I fight them so damn hard because I don’t want to remember. Yet, at the same time, deep down, I know I have to.
I don’t want to remember but I know I have to try. Their faces, the places they took me, the tiny details; I have to try to remember so that I can tell the police, but it is like my mind won’t let me.
It has blocked things out. Things that are clearly hard for me to cope with. Yet now I am starting to remember things, little pieces at a time. I am triggered by something and suddenly I am back in that place all over again. That horrible, dark, scary place. The place where I am hurt and frightened and alone.
I hate that place! I don’t want to go back there!
I wish that I could just erase that place but the memories of the abuse live inside me, waiting for the day that I will finally set them free.
Sure, I can hide them. I am good at hiding them. However I cannot erase them. I cannot erase them because I cannot delete the history that created them. The memories will keep coming back until I set them free.
I cannot just flip a switch and make this all go away. I cannot turn off my feelings because these memories just won’t die! Oh how I wish they would just die!!
I wish someone could come and take my memories away and erase them, for they are killing me inside.
I just want to forget. I want the pain and hurt and sadness gone. I want the memories gone.
I just want to erase them; day by day, piece by piece, memory by memory.
But I am beginning to realise that we cannot just erase our memories, no matter how much we want to forget.
That is my worst nightmare, because that means I have to relive everything they did to me; day by day, piece by piece, memory by memory.
And that, well that I am not sure I can survive…..
Thanks for reading
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