As evening begins to settle in I can feel the ache building more and more in my chest. I know I need to go to bed. I know I need to get some rest. For others will see me tomorrow and they expect me to be fine. They have no idea that every morning I enter my own hell.
As I snuggle up under a blanket on the sofa, my heart feels like it is suffocating and I am finding it hard to breathe. My head is pounding, so much so that it feels like there is a little man inside my head banging on my skull.
Today has been a tough day. Today I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and tomorrow just seems too gigantic to face. I just want to disappear. How I wish I could just disappear.
Heartbreak hurts. It feels like every part of my body is broken in some way or another. As for my mind, that feels like it is shattered into so many pieces that I just cannot put it all back together correctly.
My head hurts. My heart hurts. I don’t even know what I am feeling right now. My mind is in chaos and my heart is being torn apart in several different directions, unsure of how to feel. I am caught in between emotion. I am feeling too much, yet at the same time I am numb.
The numbness is constant. Always lingering over me ready for when the pain becomes too much.
Like today, it all hit me out of nowhere. The agony and sadness of being alone. For I am alone. I am alone with the memories. I am alone with the loss. I am alone with their rejection. I am alone with my mother’s rejection. No one can or ever will understand the hurt in my heart.
Tonight all I can hope is that I fall asleep before I fall apart. Because, believe me, I am close to breaking. Not even the blade that I took to my skin and slid across my wrist could bring me relief.
I am sick of being hurt. I am sick of wanting to cry. I am sick of being me.
I wear a smile every day but that smile hides more pain than you will ever know. You may see me smiling, laughing, being happy, but inside I am dying.
People tell me that I am strong for surviving all I have been through but right now I am not surviving. I am falling apart one little piece at a time. I come off as strong, I put on my front, but all I want to do is cry. I just want to break down and cry.
I am lost while I am trying to hold everything together and I am exhausted.
Sleep doesn’t help. Time doesn’t heal. My fears are never quieted.
Tonight I feel helpless, hopeless, sad and hurt. Tonight I cannot face the world and I am not sure that I can face tomorrow. So forgive me if, just for a little while, I close my eyes and try to forget.
For I am a mess. I am an emotional mess.
And being a mess is exhausting.
Thanks for reading.
**Image courtesy of Google Images**