Some people say that fear is an illusion. That we create it in our minds.
I suppose that in a way those people are right…kind of. Fear creates a false reality. At least it did with me for a long, long time.
I lived in fear my whole childhood and most of my adult life so far. Some of that fear was real and justified; the fear of being raped every week and the fear of not being believed. Both of those fears came true more than once and so I lived in fear that they would happen again.
However some of the fear was an illusion; The fear that I would NEVER be believed EVER and the fear that I would never have a loving family. The fear that I would be all alone.
I lived in fear that I would never be good enough for anyone. I believed that my family would never love me or want me if I told. What I didn’t realise is that they didn’t love me and didn’t want me anyway.
Fear had clouded reality and stopped me from seeing the truth.
Fear destroyed my dreams and made me believe that I could never leave and could never speak up.
Fear stopped me from seeing my worth and my potential.
The fear of not being believed and being left all alone became a huge obstacle that I just couldn’t overcome. That obstacle got in the way of my progress. My fear gave my abusers power. Even more power than they already had.
However one day something changed.
The cloud started to subside and reality shone through. I was a victim. His victim. Their victim. They controlled me and I needed to take some of that control back. The only way I could do that was by reporting the abuse.
However fear began to creep in again; would I be believed? Would people hate me? Would my family leave me and stand by him? Would I be all alone? Would he get away with it all over again? Would people find out about my mental illnesses and think I was crazy?
The fear of the unknown is a terrible fear. It keeps us up at night and stops us from achieving our dreams. It shatters our hearts and our lives. However faith, faith is all we need to help us through. Faith makes a great pillow. It helps us dream and it helps us reach those dreams. It helps us believe that everything will fall into place. Sometimes finding that faith is the hardest thing to do….believe me…I know! But we can find it in a friend, a family member, a colleague, even a therapist. All it takes is just one person to show us love and to believe in us. Faith can overcome fear.
From the largest fear comes the greatest growth.
I walked into that police station alone. I was believed. I wasn’t hated….well except by my family. They did leave me but I am surviving. I am not alone. The people supporting me are my family.
I do still fear that he will get away with it. I do still fear the outcome of reporting him. I do still fear the day I find out. Will he be charged? Will my case go to court? Will he plead guilty? How will I cope? Most of all how will I cope if he is not charged? I am dying to know the answer to all these questions but I am afraid to find out.
I also still fear that people will think I am crazy when they find out about my BPD. I am afraid of my own mind. I am afraid of how powerful it is becoming. I am afraid I won’t be able to control it or my emotions.
I am making progress, gradually, but the fear is still there. It still holds me back.
We do not fear the unknown. We fear what we think we know about the unknown…
And that, well that is the greatest fear of all!
Thanks for reading
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