I am confused.
When I blame myself for the abuse I am told that it is not my fault. People say that I am not to blame. I am the victim they tell me.
However, when I start to try and let myself believe that I really am the victim and when I start to try and let myself feel the pain and sadness that my abusers created, I am told to stop being a victim! When I struggle with my bad days and want to break, I am told to stop being a victim and to own my story!
So you see why I am confused?
I don’t particularly want to be a victim. I hate that word; victim. But that is what I am. His victim. Their victim. There is no other way to describe it. I am a victim of rape. I am a victim of physical, sexual and emotional abuse.
I was held down, raped and beaten. I was discouraged, betrayed and hurt. I have more scars than you will ever see because most of my scars are in my head. My scars are triggers. My scars are flashbacks and nightmares. My scars are memories.
Their abuse has left me feeling helpless and hopeless. No matter where I am or who I am with I feel unsafe. I am vulnerable and feel out of control of my emotions. I self-harm to stop the pain and to make it through the day. So yes, I am their victim.
Here is the thing that people need to understand; I have not made myself a victim. I did not ask for my stepfather to rape me or abuse me. I did not ask for my mother of the rest of my family to emotionally abuse me and make me feel worthless. They all made the choice to hurt me. They made me a victim.
Here is another thing people need to understand; being a victim does not mean that I am weak. It does not mean that I cannot and do not own my story. Most of all it does not mean I am not a survivor. I am both. I am a victim of abuse but I am also a survivor of abuse.
I have been challenged. I have been betrayed and hurt. My innocence was taken from me. My childhood was stolen.
I have no mother, no father, and no siblings. I have lost them all through their choices to betray me. I have been tortured and have been through things that no adult, let alone child, should ever experience.
I have been to hell and back. Yet here I stand. I have not been defeated. I am still here.
Yes, I am a victim but I am also a survivor.
OK, I may not be a confident survivor just yet but I am a survivor.
I made it through the abuse. I have finally found the strength to report him to try to save others. I have started this blog to help raise awareness of both childhood abuse and mental health and to try and help others.
I have bad days. I have bad weeks. I am an emotional wreck most of the time and I have scars all over my body caused by cutting just so that I don’t break down and cry.
I have Depression, Anxiety, PTSD and BPD, all caused by the abuse. I suffer with the pain and upset from these every single day.
I am a victim but I am strong.
Someday I will be able to look back on today and be grateful for being strong. Today I am just trying to keep it together enough to make it through to tomorrow.
At some point I will break down. I will feel the pain and I will cry….because I am hurt, because I will no longer be able to hold it together, because I am a victim.
I am a victim. I am a survivor. I can be both.
I am finding my voice and my wings. I am owning my story.
Because not only am I a victim, I am a victor!
Thanks for reading
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