Self-hatred is my tragedy.

tragedyHave you ever looked in the mirror and not been able to find one thing you like about yourself? I have.

I can’t remember the last time I felt good about myself. Every time I look in the mirror all I see are sad eyes, fake smiles and countless scars.

I have more scars than I do friends, but that isn’t what I hate. You see when I look in the mirror I don’t really see my body; it is like I see past it. Instead I see everything those men did to me. I see all the negative things my mother and family ever said to me. I don’t hate my body, I hate me, as a whole…as a person.

I hate myself. I am one big mess of emotions and thoughts. I feel shame and embarrassment for all the things that happened to me and for all the mistakes I’ve made since. I feel unwanted and dirty, disgusting and worthless. I feel I don’t deserve love. I think I am a bad person.

Darkness followed me as I grew up and I have often wondered why I exist.

I disappoint myself with the mistakes I make, the emotions I feel, and for not being stronger. Is it normal to hate yourself this much?

When I look in the mirror at the person staring back at me I feel numb. I don’t want to exist, I don’t want to live. I don’t want to be anywhere. I am sorry for who I am. I am sorry that I can’t just forget what happened and the pain I feel. The worst thing is that I believe I deserve it.

I begin to apologise for every breath. For being alive. I begin to wish I could disappear.

Sometimes we just need someone to tell us that we aren’t as bad as we think we are… but sometimes even that doesn’t work…..so it is OK if you hate me because I hate me too.

I labelled myself a broken disaster a long time ago. I am depressed and I am ashamed. I am sad and I am lonely. I am frightened and I am in pain. Yes I have flaws and yes I have problems but just once I wish I could look in the mirror and like what I see. Instead things are distorted.

My vision is distorted, my journey is delayed and my worst enemy is myself.

The hardest battle I am ever going to fight is with myself.

There is a hell. I’ve seen it. Every time I look in the mirror I see it.

Self-hatred is my hell.

Self-hatred is my tragedy.

Thanks for reading

**Image courtesy of Google Images**

2 thoughts on “Self-hatred is my tragedy.

  1. Gemma, as always thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings. I have felt the same way at many points, espcially a lot this past year. And I most certainly do not hate you. I appreciate your writings, I appreciate you – and as I’ve said before, please don’t stop writing. You are valuable, you are important, your life does matter – and you have made a difference in others lives. I know you have in mine.

    Liked by 1 person

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