I have two sides.
There is the side that is happy, bubbly, loud and confident. The side that seems to have everything together. The side that laughs and smiles, enjoys life and holds down a job. This is the side that acts like nothing is wrong even though deep down I am hurting.
Then there is the side that is sad and feels all alone. The side who never wants to get out of bed because I feel I cannot face the day. The side who wants to curl up in a ball and cry. The side that feels nothing is ever going to get better. This side is fragile and vulnerable and cannot understand why all the bad things have happened.
I never know how I am going to feel from one minute to the next. I can wake up happy and confident and within a few hours I can be sad and feeling low. I don’t always know why and I cannot control it – believe me, I wish I could.
I feel like I don’t know who I am. I have so many feelings and emotions that I am not always sure which ones are real. Is it the energetic, bubbly, loud, confident side or is it the shy, scared, withdrawn and tired side? I just don’t know.
Can you imagine living life not knowing who you are? Never knowing if what you feel is really you?
It is like I have no emotional skin. The slightest trigger, comment, memory or feeling can make me crash in an instant. My emotions become so intense that I can just meltdown. Not in a physical, violent way but in an emotional way. I start to feel empty and alone. I get scared of being abandoned all over again. I become vulnerable and want to run away.
When in a meltdown or a crash I become confused and unsure of myself. I begin to question my feelings and emotions. Am I allowed to feel what I feel or am I being too sensitive?
I struggle to control my sadness and my anger. I turn everything inwards and use self-harm to cope so that I don’t cry. I am too scared to cry. Sometimes I hurt so badly inside that thoughts of suicide hit me. I know deep down I don’t really want to die but the pain is so intense that it sometimes feels like the only option. I begin to feel like a burden to friends and family and feel like they would be better off without me. I feel guilty for burdening them with my feelings so I push them all away when all I really want is a hug.
Living with two sides is hard. It is frightening. I am scared that I will do or say the wrong thing. I am scared that people will hate me. I am scared that people close to me will leave me and I will be alone all over again. I am too afraid to trust even though deep down I know I want to. I am scared of my own thoughts and not being able to control my emotions.
There is no in-between with me. I either care deeply or I don’t care at all. There is no middle ground. I don’t know why. Maybe because of the pain of my childhood and the abandonment. I don’t know. What I do know is that I feel deeply whether good or bad and that can be both a blessing and a curse.
I have two sides.
Being close to me will be a challenge. I have a lot of self-hatred and fear. I do not trust easily and I will push you away but I won’t mean to. I will frustrate you and sometimes even make you angry with my meltdowns but I will also love you. I will care for you deeply and I will always be there for you. I have a lot of love to give.
I have strong emotions and I am hard to cope with but it doesn’t make me bad. Even though I feel like a bad person a lot of the time I really don’t have a bad personality…. At least I don’t think I do.
I have EUPD; Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, also known as BPD and even though it may not always seem like it, I really am doing the best I can.
I am just misunderstood.
I have two sides…. I am borderline and I am broken…
But I am surviving…. Because that is what I do!
Thanks for reading
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