“I love you”…Three little words that mean so much.
I didn’t hear them much in my childhood. In fact I cannot remember my mother or any of my other family ever saying they loved me. What I can remember is him saying that love had to be earned. He said I had to behave and to be good for them all to love me. Yet, even though I behaved, even though I did as I was told, they still didn’t love me. She still didn’t love me.
My own mother didn’t love me and that, as my therapist told me once again this week, is heart breaking.
My therapist is right. No matter how many times I try to deny it, or how many times that I write that it doesn’t matter or how many times I say I am OK, my heart is broken. No matter how many times I say I do not care about her and what she did, I do care.
I spent years waiting for her to love me and I hate myself for that. I hate that I couldn’t just let go. I hate that I still can’t let go.
I find it strange how someone can break our hearts so much yet we can still love them with all the tiny, broken pieces.
That is how I feel about my mother. Although I haven’t figured out yet if it is actually her I miss and am sad about or the idea of a mother. I do know though that I have to let go of something that I thought was real and that doing so is harder than I ever thought it would be.
Every day that I make it through alive makes me realise how strong I am because I have managed another day without her, without a mother, and made it through the pain and sadness of what happened. However even the strongest person can be broken and she has broken me.
Everything I thought she was or could be was just a delusion. A delusion that has been shattered by the truth of who she is.
Knowing that she is standing by my abuser yet again hurts. Knowing that she has just written me off hurts. Knowing that I am nothing to her hurts.
How many times do I remember her saying she loved me during childhood? None. Yet still I thought she could change. Still I thought there might be even just a tiny bit of love there. How wrong I was!
There was never any love there. She never loved me. In my heart it was real because I wanted it to be but in my head I knew it was a lie. I knew I was unwanted. I knew I was a mistake and deep down I knew, that if the time came, she would once again stand by him and break my heart. She proved me right. Her actions spoke the truth.
So why can’t I just let her go? Why is this so hard? She has never been a mother to me. She didn’t love or protect me. So why can’t I just forget her?
My mind wants to forget but my heart remembers. Every day it remembers her and what she has done and every day it breaks all over again.
Longing for her hurts. It is tearing me apart. What I want from her is all just a delusion. She never was and never will be my mother. She has made that clear. I don’t think I want her but I do want a mother. That she can never be.
I have to find a way to forget her. I have to find a way to move forward but how? How do I just forget? How do I stop the longing for love and nurturing?
I am frightened. I am frightened that I am not strong enough to let go of the longing. I want a mother so badly. I want to be told I am loved. I want to cry and to be hugged. I am not sure I can let go of that. I have to separate her from my longing. She is not who I want. I want a mother. Don’t I deserve a mother and to be loved?
I am scared I am not strong enough to let go of her but I have no other choice. I have to let her go. She broke my heart. They took my soul and broke my spirit and she let them. Because of them, because of her, I will spend my lifetime trying to forget my childhood. I have no mother, no father, no siblings, no grandmother or aunt. I am alone. I have always been alone. They never wanted me. She never wanted me. I never have, and never will, belong with them.
Sometimes the heart needs more time to accept what the mind already knows.
She is not my mother.
She never loved me.
She is just a delusion.
She is just a shattered delusion.
Thanks for reading.
**Image courtesy of Google Images**