“What will people think of me?” I think to myself. “Will they think I am weak?”
Standing in the chemist waiting for my prescription, questions keep running through my head. “Is it OK to ask for help?” “Will they think I am not trying hard enough?”
This morning I saw my therapist and then I saw my doctor for an emergency appointment. I am having a tough time. I hate to admit it but it is true. I am struggling.
When it comes to my husband, my friends, work and life in general, things are good. I am doing well. However, when it comes to facing the abuse, the police process and the feelings that come with it, I am not doing well.
In fact, I am doing pretty badly. My PTSD symptoms are frequent and scary. My anxiety is high and my depression is the worst it has been in a long time.
I am at my lowest and I hate it. It makes me feel weak. I hate asking for help. I am scared of being judged. However I know myself. I know when I hit a bad patch and right now I am in the worst bad patch I have had for a while. I can’t get out of it on my own and I need help.
My therapist agrees and said seeing my doctor is a good thing. My doctor said I am brave for going to see them. I don’t feel brave, I feel scared.
I am being referred to a psychologist so that they can assess me and advise my doctor on what steps to take. I am already on such a high dosage of anti-depressant that they do not want to increase them without guidance. They also do not want to take me off them as I would crash hard.
Instead my doctor leaves me on my antidepressant but adds in another med. This time he adds in an antipsychotic, in the hope that it will help calm me and my symptoms. It should also enhance my antidepressant. I hate relying on meds but at this point I am willing to try anything.
I am embarrassed. I wish I could tell you that returning to work and going through the police process has made everything seem better but it hasn’t.
My PTSD and Depression are on a downhill spiral since reporting him. Mainly due to all my emotions and feelings that I had kept hidden for so long are now coming to the surface. Nightmares, triggers and flashbacks all hit me when I least expect it. My sadness, my depression is bad. I cannot control it and I am ashamed.
I hate asking for help. I feel like a burden. I know I should be strong enough to deal with all this but I’m not. I am not strong right now. I am scared. I am lonely. I am sad.
Does asking for help make me weak or does it make me stronger? Is needing more meds and support a step back or a step forward?
I never ask for help. It scares me. So maybe reaching out does mean I am strong. Maybe I am brave. As for more meds, well I am sick aren’t I? He has made me this way. He did terrible things. Things that no one should have to cope with alone. I reported him, I have a case, and things are moving forward. This bad patch is just a stumble in my journey that’s all.
I am on a journey. This is a process. Change takes time.
I am learning who I am and I am finding my voice a little at a time. It is OK if I stumble, if I fall, because I will get back up. It is OK if I make mistakes because I will learn from them and try again.
It may take some time but nobody is perfect. So rather than trying to be perfect, I will just try to do better than I did yesterday.
Yes I am in a bad patch right now. Yes I am struggling. Yes I am lonely and sad and overwhelmed. Yes I need some help and I need some extra support and yes I need medication to help me get through the day. But that is all OK because every day I am taking a tiny step forward. Even on my bad days, just making it through the day is another step forward.
So yes, I am struggling and no, I’m not perfect…..
I’m just me!
And I make progress on this journey every single day!!
Thanks for reading
**Image courtesy of Google Images**