People say that trauma changes everything.
If you have never experienced trauma I can understand how this would be hard for you to believe. I can see how, because those who have experienced trauma somehow find a way to carry on with life, to the outside world it may seem that nothing really changes.
Well I can tell you that, although it may not always be obvious to see, trauma does indeed change everything. It changed me.
Trauma has messed with the way I think and how I function. I can be triggered by a word, a pattern, a day. Triggered to complete devastation.
Yes, on the outside I live my life but on the inside my life is an endless cycle of pain.
Memories of the abuse cause nightmares and flashbacks. Those nightmares and flashbacks cause pain and sadness and create feelings of wanting to die. Then comes the guilt. The guilt of feeling like death would be easier but knowing that this would cause pain and consequences for others. Then comes the talking myself into living and giving myself a purpose.
Then the cycle starts over; memories, nightmares, flashbacks, pain, sadness, death, guilt, life.
There is no escape. There is never an escape. It is exhausting.
Depression has hit me. Worse than it has in a long time. I am foggy and tired. The PTSD, the memories and the feelings of distress I felt as a child are too much for me to handle right now. I feel unbearable sadness. My spirit is tired and wants to give up.
I cannot control the memories or triggers. The pain and sadness they create is becoming hard to tolerate. Yet there is no escape. There is never any escape. I mean how can you control memories or nightmares? I have tried. I fight every single day to make them leave but they never do.
I am agitated. I am fed up. I am sick of this vicious cycle. I need an escape. I need these feelings out of me! I need the abuse out of me! I need to cry, I want to cry but I can’t cry! I need to cut this all away! I need to cut the memories away!
My hands clench in anger as I pick up the blade. I cannot work out if the anger is because I know that I shouldn’t cut because it won’t help for long or if it is because of the memories I have or because of the abuse in general. All I know is that I need it all to go away, just for a little while. I need to cut. I need an escape. I need my escape!
I drag the blade across my skin and squeeze my eyes closed as the sharp pain surges through me. With each cut more pain hits but I don’t care, I have to cut these feelings away. I have to escape.
Blood drips from the wounds on my arms and I breathe deeply as I clean and dress them. For just a little while I have an escape from it all, from the trauma I endured.
I know the memories and fears will be back. I know the cycle will begin again tomorrow but right now, in this moment, I am free.
I don’t expect you to understand. I cannot make you understand how trauma feels or the depression that hits, for I can barely understand it myself. All I know is that right now, your mind wants to keep you alive whereas mine wants to kill me. Mine wants to escape the trauma buried deep inside.
Trauma changes everything.
Trauma changed me and for just a little while I need an escape from the trauma, from the cycle.
And…well…cutting…cutting is my escape. It is my only escape. It is better than death… just.
So you see, no matter what you may see on the outside, trauma does change everything.
There is no true escape from trauma but know this, I haven’t given up.
I am still here.
Thanks for reading.
**Image courtesy of Google Images**