I don’t need enemies – I have myself.

b659b5775649e56199ad7b1693f01f5fToday is a tough day.

You cannot possibly imagine how much I hate myself. I wish I could explain it; how every day I hate myself that little bit more.

I know I make mistakes and I know I make people angry with all the mistakes I make. I don’t mean to make mistakes. I know that people think that I just forget about the mistakes I make or that I do not care, but here is what they don’t know; I know that I am not good enough. I know that I let people down because I am not strong enough to cope with this right now. I know I screw up and I hate myself for it.

I don’t need enemies – I have myself.

I hate myself. I hate that I am not strong. I hate that I cannot just forget the abuse and betrayal. I hate that I make mistakes. I hate that I am not the person that everyone wants me to be.

I lay in bed at night thinking about the mistakes I’ve made. I lay there wondering what is wrong with me. Did my parents make me this way with their abuse or was I always a mistake? Because that is how I feel today; like a mistake. In fact I feel like that most days right now.

I constantly feel like I am at war with myself. One minute I am fighting to survive. The next minute I don’t deserve to survive. I can’t escape myself.

I hate my depression. I hate the way it makes me feel so worthless and useless. I hate the way it tells me that I should die because I am a bad person. I hate the way it controls me.

I hate my anxiety. I hate the way it makes me feel scared and vulnerable. I hate that it tells me that no matter where I am my abuser will find me and hurt me.

I hate my PTSD. I hate the way it reminds me of everything he did. I hate that it turns an accent, a smell, a place all into triggers and sends me flashbacks. I hate that it won’t let me forget.

I hate that my head is a horrible place to be right now and that I don’t want to be me anymore. But how can I run away from myself?

Every day is harder. Every day is a nightmare progressing on; a memory, a flashback, a police interview, a police meeting, a looming arrest date, more emotions and me struggling to cope.

I’m a mess. My body full of scars. I already hate myself so what’s another cut right?! At least it takes the pain away; at least it punishes me for my mistakes. After all I am a mistake.

Maybe I should never have told what he did; it has only made me worse, made me feel weaker. But then I think about the other children he may have hurt and I realise it is my responsibility to stop him. I have no choice. I could not live with myself knowing I gave up and he hurt someone else. It is my responsibility.

No-one understands. Unless you have been there you cannot understand. You can never understand the weight of knowing that I am the only one who can stop him or of knowing that if I don’t follow this through that he may get away with it. You cannot understand the feeling of knowing that he is the cause of my illnesses and that I cannot control them so he still has control over me. You cannot understand the guilt of being a failure because I make mistakes or let people down.

Here is the thing; I am sorry that I am not strong. I am sorry that I make mistakes. I am sorry that I screw up. I am sorry that I am a mess. I am sorry that sometimes I am a rubbish friend or wife or family member. I am sorry that I let people down. I am sorry that this ever happened and that I am struggling with this. I am just sorry and I hate myself more than anyone else ever could.

You see, I don’t love me, so I can completely understand if you don’t want to love me either. Every single day I begin to hate myself a little bit more and here is the thing….it is OK if you hate me because I hate me too.

I don’t need enemies…..

I already have myself.

Thanks for reading.

**Image courtesy of Google Images**

2 thoughts on “I don’t need enemies – I have myself.

  1. No-one can truly know how you are feeling, but many of us can relate. The self hatred, runs very very deep. I frequently say that I am my own worst enemy. It’s hard not to feel this way, especially when keeping most relationships – with coworkers or potential friends – is next to impossible. I have no words of wisdom to offer you, I tend to very weak when it comes to my own thoughts and feelings and I too recently began self-harming. But thankyou for your writings, and thankyou for being one of the courageous people who have spoken up to stop their abuser – and therefore stop others from being abused. Peace

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my gosh. Please get out a piece of paper, start at the top, and begin writing a positive counter sentence to each negative one here. It will be a long list because there are so many negatives. Even if it doesn’t feel right or you don’t agree, try it anyway.
    Of course you are strong. You may not feel strong. And of course you have a lot to offer. You can get through this.
    I know about mistakes. I am so harsh on myself and mistakes loom heavily. It takes so much work to counter the bad and wrong messages of childhood. But we have to do it for ourselves. I am 63 and still working on it. Making progress. Though of late back-tracking a bit.
    Find those that can lift you up right now. You deserve it.

    Like

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