I need to clean my mirror.

dirty mirror.jpgMirrors; I hate them!

I stare into the mirror and hate who I see staring back at me. I see her; my mother.

I wish it weren’t true. I have tried to convince myself so many times that I look nothing like her but the more mirrors I look in to the more I see the truth. She is there, staring back at me.

I look at my reflection again. I try to find the differences between us. Instead I just see similarities; the face shape, the smile, the eye colour. Why can’t I find the differences?!!

I hate this mirror! I hate everything I see! I wish it wasn’t me!!

The truth is though that I cannot look in any mirror without feeling bad. I so wish I could see myself but all I see is her; her smile, her eyes. I hate my reflection! I hate that I look like her!

Most people like hearing that they look like their mother or father, not me. I hate that she is there staring back at me. It is a constant reminder of the pain she caused me. It is a constant reminder of her betrayal.

Mirrors; I hate them! What they show me kills me inside! I feel sadness like I have never felt before.

I am angry. I am ashamed of my face and I am angry!

As I stand here staring into the glass, I wish to myself that I could tear my face off. The more I wish it the more frustrated I become. I clench my fists as her face stares back at me; “I hate you!” I scream. “I don’t want to look like you!!”

I hate this face! I hate it!

I don’t even feel the pain as I begin to scratch at my face; “I hate you! I hate you!!”

For a moment I forget reality. I scratch harder wishing my face would just peel away. How many faces would I have to peel to make hers disappear? I think to myself. I hate this face.

I dig my nails deeper. I begin to wonder if a knife would be better to use. Yes, I would scar myself but at least then it would be me I see, not her. All I want is to stop seeing her face looking back at me.

I draw blood as I dig my nails in so deep to my skin that it feels like I could not dig them in any further. This isn’t working! I look into the glass. She is still there except now she has blood dripping from the wounds around her cheeks and her neck.

I have tears in my eyes and feel defeated as I begin to wonder what it would feel like to look into a mirror and not be disgusted by my own reflection.

I cannot remember a time when I ever looked in a mirror and wasn’t disgusted with myself. As a child growing up I would stare into the glass and see what he was doing to me. I hated my body and what it was being used for. I hated seeing it staring back at me. Now not only do I see what he did to me but I see her staring back at me, along with her betrayal. It hurts. It hurts so bad that I just want to punch this glass!!

I have forgotten what it is like to be free, to be myself. I feel like I am wearing a mask and no matter how hard I try I cannot remove it. It is always there, staring back at me. I cannot take it off. I cannot see myself.

But the truth is mirrors lie. They don’t show us what is inside ourselves. Our reflections are distorted. They show us what we look like, not who we are.

The mirrors I am looking into make me hate myself. All I see is her and I am disgusted. However maybe what I see is just a mask. Maybe it isn’t me. I may look like her but inside I am completely different from her. She is my mother by title and maybe even in looks but nothing else.

I am me. Not her.

I have to try and clean the glass and look deeper into the mirror. Maybe then I will begin to see who I really am. Maybe then I will begin to see my own reflection.

At least, I hope so, because I really hate the reflection staring back at me right now!

I guess I have to go and clean my mirror…..

 

Thanks for reading

**Image courtesy of Google Images**

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