No explanation is possible.

eyes_of_the_darkness_by_vinyarielFor those who understand there is no explanation needed. For those who do not understand no explanation is possible.

I wish I could explain it how terrible he makes me feel and the evil lurking in his eyes. The truth is I had forgotten just how bad he could make me feel….until yesterday. Yesterday, in just one short moment, I was reminded all over again.

————————————————————————-

Slowly walking back into town after seeing my therapist, I am emotional. It was another very tough session. I am struggling to keep it together but know that I have to try until I get home. My emotions are all over the place; sadness, anger, fear, hurt. I can’t focus.

Suddenly something makes me look up. A feeling maybe, or intuition, I am not sure, just something. As I look in front of me I stop dead in my tracks. There he is; my abuser. He is there, no more than ten feet away, walking towards me.

I can’t breathe. Sheer panic takes over. I am overcome by fear. I look around me; no shops are close enough for me to duck into. What is he doing here? He should be nowhere near here?!

All of a sudden I notice the bright yellow jacket a little further down the road. I take a deep breath and sigh a sigh of relief as I realise she is a community support officer. She is a little ahead of me. There is no way he could have missed her. Stay focussed on her, I think to myself.

My tummy churns as I realise he is getting closer. He approaches and I wonder if he will try and stop me. I am hoping with all my might that he won’t.

He doesn’t, but as he passes me he meets my gaze. There it is; that smile. That horrible, creepy smile. The smile that always tells me he knows that I have done something I shouldn’t.

He could kill with that smile. He can wound with his eyes. He has evil in his eyes.

He isn’t what he is you know; he is what he hides. Though look into his eyes. He has evil eyes ready to attack.

No-one understands what he is capable of. He has an evil heart that destroys people. He is a manipulator. He is clever. It is scary what his smile can hide.

He has stolen years from me. Stolen my childhood, made me feel worthless.  Made me want to die.

If only people knew how badly and how often I hurt. The nightmare I am living every day. People think that he can no longer hurt me, that he can no longer get to me but they are wrong. That one moment, the moment he looked into my eyes and smiled that smile, I knew. I knew what he was doing. He was trying to intimidate me. He was telling me that he knows, or at least suspects, that I have told someone.

People tell me I am paranoid. People tell me not to let him get to me but here is the thing they don’t understand; he can get to me. He can hurt me. He can scare me.

He did. Yesterday.

————————————————————————–

It is amazing how, no matter how much you try to be strong, just one look, one smile from the man who abused you can shred your insides apart all over again.

Just walking past that man reminded me of just how scared of him I really am. How what he did to me makes me feel. How one look from those evil eyes makes me feel disgusting. How I know that as he looks at me his eyes are undressing me. I feel sick.

I wish I could explain it; the fear that he will get me. The fear that he will hurt me all over again. The fear that he will break me.

I wish I could explain it; how it never goes away. How I remember what he did every single day. How it is not as easy as just forgetting.

I wish I could explain it; how it feels to be abused and know that your abuser is still free. How no matter how much you try to move on it is always there with you.

I can’t. I can’t explain it. It is too hard. You wouldn’t understand.

For those who do understand there is no explanation needed.

For those who do not understand no explanation is possible.

 

Thanks for reading.

**Image courtesy of Google Images.**

3 thoughts on “No explanation is possible.

  1. I do understand. I still fear brothers. It is wise to fear evil. You have every right to feel afraid.
    You deserve to get your power back. Are there ways, or wishes of ways, that can be contemplated, even doing? Can you report him? Even if the time limit is up, at least then it is on record. It’d be nice to have the smug smile be wiped off his face with the prospects of prosecution.
    This was interesting: “he knows that I have done something I shouldn’t.” He is the one that committed crimes, not you, even if his filth made you feel at fault.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you x

      I have reported him and I am currently working through police interviews etc so no arrest yet.

      I guess I still sometimes struggle with the fact this happened to me and I didn’t deserve it. That hurts a lot so I blame myself sometimes.

      Thank you for supporting me xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, of course I support you. And may I stand up and applaud you!
        Acceptance didn’t come easy or early for me. I fought the fact of being me for a long, long time.
        I know about self-blame too, all too well.
        No you didn’t deserve it. I still have to work at not blaming myself for everything. It’s my day job… the pay is good too…

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s