It is difficult to grow up in a world where you never feel like you are good enough and it is hard to cope with the realisation that you have lost yourself.
The scariest part is the utter feeling of loneliness. You know you aren’t alone, not really, but that doesn’t matter because all logic and reason have gone out the window. They went out the window the moment you told what he did to you. That scary moment you decided to face it; the abuse.
Darkness begins to fill your heart. With every new memory and every new nightmare you begin to lose control of your emotions. With every day that passes your emotions begin to intensify. You begin to feel things that you never let yourself feel before; anger, betrayal, sadness.
You cannot cry. You are too scared to cry. Instead you begin to feel nothing. It sounds strange being able to feel so much and yet feel nothing all at the same time. The pain of emptiness is sometimes worse than the pain of feeling things.
At some point in your journey you lose all self-belief and self-worth. You feel broken. You feel like a burden and a problem. You become clingy and needy and start to apologise just for being you.
After a while you begin to feel worthless and start to wonder if you really are the mistake they always said you were.
You tried so hard to be worth something. You tried so hard to be worthy of love. It hurts knowing that your best just wasn’t good enough. That no matter what you did or how well behaved you tried to be, you were still not wanted. You were still hurt, beaten, bruised, raped and abused. You were rejected. Over and over you were rejected.
You were rejected by the very people who were meant to love and protect you. It never stops hurting you; giving your all and still being rejected.
You begin to question yourself. You are constantly afraid that you are not good enough. You already know you were not the daughter they wanted. What if you are not a good wife, not a good friend, not a good manager?
You start to judge yourself; you should have tried harder. You should have been able to cope with what happened. You let the depression win. You let everyone down. You let yourself down.
Nothing hurts more than trying your very best and still not being good enough. You feel defeated. You feel a failure.
You do what is required because it is what you always do but you have lost all belief in yourself. What if you can’t get that self-belief back? What if you can’t cope? What if you aren’t good enough? What if you fail all those who have faith in you?
You stop for a minute and think to yourself “What if you fail all those who have faith in you?” People have faith in you. People believe in you. Your husband believes in you. Your friends believe in you. Your bosses believe in you. It is you who doesn’t believe in you!
Why do you always feel like you are never good enough for anyone? Because you believed your abusers every word; mistake, burden, failure, selfish. You believed them when they said you were not good enough. You have lost yourself whilst trying to hold on to people who never cared about losing you.
You are lost. You are hurt. You are scared. You are scared of disappointing the people who care. You are scared of disappointing yourself again.
But your abusers took your heart and soul. They are the ones who broke you. They are the ones who made you lose yourself. They are the ones who made you question your very existence. But you are still here. You are still standing.
You have people who believe in you. You are not alone. You have people who will fight for you and who will show you your true worth.
“But what if you aren’t good enough?” Your mind whispers
“But what if you are?!” Your heart cries. “What would happen if you let yourself believe you are good enough?”
Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing you are worth the trip.
And so, just for a second, you try to let yourself believe it;
You are good enough.
You do matter.
You are loved.
You are worth it.
Thanks for reading.
**Image courtesy of google images**