“What does breaking mean to you?” My therapist asks as I sit opposite her. She asks because it is something I say often; “I am afraid to break”. I say it when I feel myself start to become emotional and have to try to keep my emotions under control.
What does breaking mean to me? It means admitting to everyone how much pain I am in and acknowledging that pain. It means curling up in a ball and crying the tears I have never cried. It means telling people that I am not this strong, unbreakable person that they think I am. That I feel that I have to be unbreakable because that is what people want and because I do not want to burden them, but that I am in so much pain that I can feel it. I mean physically feel it!
I wish I was this unbreakable person that everyone seems to see. For a while I suppose I was that person but only because I had to be. My abusers tried to break me down so many times that I had to be unbreakable to survive. Except that I wasn’t unbreakable, not really. I was flexible and adaptable. I adapted to my situation so that I could survive.
I blocked out every emotion and every fear. I blocked out the pain of him raping me and the pain of my family betraying me. It is what I had to do to protect my fragile heart. It does not mean that I am forever unbreakable. I was just surviving. Pretty soon it was all I knew how to do and it came easy to me. I had to protect myself the only way I knew how.
You may look at me and see me smiling but do not let that fool you. Look closer, look inside my eyes and you will see that I am breaking inside.
I am locked inside a prison. Stuck inside the walls they made me build around myself. I am caught between so many emotions that sometimes it is easier to feel nothing. I feel empty. I just don’t care anymore.
I try to get out. I try to escape this prison. I try to break down the walls and let some emotion in. Then it hits me. It hits me so hard that I don’t know how to cope with it; this wave of pure emotion. It is a wave of utter sadness and pain, of fear and of anger and of unbelievable heartache.
I am starting to breakdown. I can feel it. My walls are starting to fall apart. My instant reaction is to put them back together again and push that emotion away. I have to be unbreakable but I don’t want to be. I don’t want to keep building up these walls.
I am tired. Being this strong, unbreakable person that everyone sees is becoming too hard. I cannot control my emotions for much longer. Keeping them inside is tearing me apart.
I don’t want to fall. I don’t want to break. I am scared to break but I am dying inside. I hear his voice. I smell his smell. I sense his presence.
I am angry! So angry that I want to scream it out loud; instead I scream silently.
I am sad! So sad that I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I want to cry every single tear that they never let me cry. Instead I hold my tears inside and I pick up a knife.
I am hurting! I am hurting so much that I can feel it in every fibre of my being. It sounds silly to people on the outside but until you have experienced such overwhelming pain, you can never understand.
People say that time heals all wounds. That may well be true but what about right now? What about the wounds I have right now? How do I cope with those and with the pain they cause?
I want to scream. I want to cry. I want this pain to go away!!
I want to crumble. I want to break!
But I am scared to break. I don’t know if it is because I am afraid others will think badly of me; I mean I will be leaning on others instead of myself. Or if it is because I am afraid of all the emotion I have locked away inside. My abusers trained me to hide my feelings. What if I cry and I don’t stop? Who will pick me up when I fall and finally let down my walls?
I know one thing for sure; I cannot keep putting these walls back together.
I just don’t have the strength. It is too hard now. I can feel it. I can feel it in my heart; the ache. It is like something is weighing me down. I can barely breathe. I am suffocating in my own emotions.
You may look at me and see me smiling and think that I’m unbreakable. Don’t be fooled. I am just protecting my breakable heart. I can be broken.
I am not unbreakable.
I am breakable like glass.
And pretty soon that glass is going to shatter.
Thanks for reading.
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