Living in fear reprograms you. You begin to lose yourself. You forget your hobbies and the things you enjoy. You lose your family and your friends. You misplace happiness and forget what enjoyment is. Day by day darkness begins to takeover until, eventually, you don’t know who you are anymore. The light disappears completely and you don’t know how to get it back. You have lost yourself.
I’m fine…..isn’t that what I am supposed to say?
I fight because I have always had to fight. Ever since I was a little girl I have had to fight to survive. I am strong because being strong is the only choice I have ever had but just because I am strong that doesn’t mean that I cannot break.
People tell me to stay strong and to be brave. They tell me that I am doing the right thing. That I have to stop my abuser hurting other children. They want me to become a voice.
I’m OK……isn’t that what I am supposed to say?
I am not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I am not as strong as everyone wants me to be.
I want to be voice. I have to be a voice. I know that. I know I have to protect others but does anyone realise the responsibility that I carry on my shoulders daily, knowing that I have to be the one to stop him? People expect me to stop him but what about how this process makes me feel? What about the pain it causes me?
I am OK though….isn’t that what everyone wants me to say?
I am not OK. I cannot deal with this. I am not strong and I am tired of pretending that I am.
I hate myself. I hate myself because I want to be selfish. Just for a little while I do not want to be a voice. Instead I want someone to be my voice. I want someone to look out for me and to protect me. I want to cry and scream and let this pain and anger out. I want someone to hug me whilst I let this sadness out. I want someone to tell me that it will all be OK. Just for a moment, I want to breakdown.
But I am fine…. Isn’t that what I am supposed to say?
I will fight. I will be a voice…..isn’t that what people want to hear?
However nobody sees the emptiness I feel lying awake at 3am. No one sees the pain in my eyes when I smile or the sadness that my smile hides. No one sees the tears I want to cry but hide because those tears have too much meaning. No one sees that I am not alone. That my friends are my scars, a new friend created often. Nobody hears the voice I hear and have begun to trust; depression. No one sees the sadness begin to consume me.
Nobody knows just how many times in my life that death has begged to take me. How many times it has begged to relieve me from the ache in my heart. No one hears how sometimes it still whispers in my ear that it can bring me freedom.
There comes a moment when you want to stop. You just don’t care anymore. You are tired of fighting this battle every single day.
But I am OK….that is what I am supposed to say right? It is what I will always say.
I will fight. I will be a voice for children, for victims. It is what I have to do; it is what I want to do. It is my responsibility but it is not easy. It is more difficult than anyone can ever imagine.
I am strong because I have had to be. I have had no one to fight for me. I have had no one to be my voice. I am strong because I have had no choice.
Just because I am strong it doesn’t mean that I cannot break.
I am not invincible. I am not unstoppable. I just survive.
Next time you tell me I am strong ask yourself this; Am I strong because I want to be or because I have to be?
I have no one to be my voice. I never have.
But it doesn’t matter…. I am used to it… surviving.
Isn’t that what I am supposed to say?
Thanks for reading.
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