I wake up and roll over, pulling the covers over my head. I have been dreading this day for weeks, knowing I won’t cope well; Mother’s Day.
Facebook; all I can see are posts and statuses about how wonderful my friends’ mothers are. My heart sinks as I read each one; a twinge of jealousy hits me. I don’t mean to feel jealous. I am happy my friends have great mothers but I am sad too. Why can’t I have a great mother? Why can’t I even have a good mother? Don’t I deserve one?
Looking at the posts and comments I suddenly realise that no matter how much my heart is broken the world will not stop just because I am grieving. This day will come every single year.
Usually I would play happy families. I would send a card and flowers, sometimes even visit. Not this year. Not today. Today there won’t even be a text message to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day.
Some betrayals cannot be forgiven. I trusted her. She should have been the one person who never hurt me. Instead she used me, lied to me and betrayed me. She broke my heart.
I am tired of feeling like I am never good enough. I am tired of not being the daughter she wanted. Some people will never love you no matter what you do.
The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained.
I made sacrifices. I gave my love and I gave my childhood, I gave the last twenty years of my life. Yet in return I have been tossed aside and made to feel worthless and alone.
There has been a chain locked around my heart my whole life. Each day it weighs me down and releases more pain. It is a pain that I thought I deserved but now the chain is being broken.
Day by day another link disappears and a weight gets lifted. Gradually I am breaking free but there are tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart as I try to break this link.
I am carrying things inside that no one else can see.
People tell me to get over it. Friends tell me I will get through it. However it doesn’t make it go away. It doesn’t get easier. It doesn’t get better. It just gets…..different.
Every day my grief wears a new face. Why? Because no matter how brave I am or what I do to move on from this pain, deep down inside I will always know that my mother didn’t want me. Every year, on this day, I will always be reminded that I was not worth her fight and that my abuser took priority.
It will not get easier in time. I will not forget. It will just get different.
It will get different because I am no longer pretending that she cares. I am no longer hoping that one day she will say she believes me or she loves me.
It will get different because when this day falls next year, I will have no mother.
Maybe one day she will cry for me like I used to cry for her. Maybe one day she will miss me like all the days I have missed her. Maybe one day she will need me just like I needed her. Maybe one day she will love me like I loved her.
When that day comes it will be too late; I will be gone.
Deep down inside I will always be reminded that my mother didn’t want me.
Mother’s Day. Father’s Day; Days those victims of childhood abuse dread.
What do we tell people when they ask why we aren’t buying gifts? What do we say when they ask why we are sad?
What do we tell them when they ask about our parents? We have no parents. Not really.
Mother’s Day. Father’s Day; The days we are reminded that we were worthless to the very people who were meant to love and value us.
Mother’s Day. Father’s Day; they don’t get easier. They don’t get better. They just get…..different.
Mother’s Day. Father’s Day; they make me sad.
Mother’s Day. Father’s Day; just another two links on the chain.
I hate those links.
I hate that chain.
Eventually I will break it.
Thanks for reading.
**Image courtesy of Google images**