Sometimes walking away does not show weakness but can in fact show strength.
As I sit here writing this piece I wonder how it is possible for family to hurt someone more than a stranger could.
Reading my sisters Facebook status tears begin to gather in my eyes as the realisation hits me; I am not, and never will be, good enough for them.
The words on the screen tear at my heart; Selfish, inconsiderate, attention seeker. I know that both her and my other siblings are being fed lies from my abusers as they suspect I have told. They want to protect themselves. However, I do not have the strength to take their verbal and emotional abuse anymore. I cannot and will not pretend that my childhood abuse did not happen.
At every turn they have rejected me, yet I still went back, believing that maybe one day they would love me enough to fight for me.
For years I have lived my abusers’, never talking about the abuse. Talking about it was forbidden. Their lies took my childhood and made me live in fear. They had their freedom whilst I was their prisoner, knowing that if I ever spoke up I would be in severe trouble and left alone all over again.
I tried so hard to pretend that the abuse never happened so that my siblings would never know that their father is a paedophile. I wanted to protect them. The abuse became worse. He hurt me more and he made me the outsider. He made me into someone else. I lost all self-respect. I lost my dignity. I lost my childhood. Most of all I lost my family.
They do not value me. I have always been unwanted. They do not support me or respect me. They rejected me from the moment I first tried to ask for help and spoke up about the abuse.
They have hurt me more than I ever thought anyone ever could. Their betrayal causing me so much pain that I struggle to find the words to describe it. I realise now, I have never belonged with them.
Being too scared to speak the truth for so many years, I tried to set boundaries; keeping enough distance to live my life but still being there if they needed me. After all they are my brother and sisters. I knew I did not have the strength to fully walk away without them knowing why. Without them knowing what their father and our mother did to me.
OK, so my siblings have been fed lies and been programmed by the woman who calls herself my mother and they do not know about the abuse yet, but they have said things to me that I cannot forget and cannot forgive. They have listened to my mother and believed her lies and there is nothing I can do to change that.
However, I do know that I cannot live this lie anymore. My family have hurt me in ways that a family should never hurt each other. They make me feel worthless and small. They cause me pain and sadness. They do not love me and they do not want me. They never have. I have been misleading myself thinking, maybe even hoping, that one day I would be good enough for them, but no more. I am done. I am emotionally done!
They have rejected me and dismissed me. They have hurt me and betrayed me and they have made me feel like I am nothing. A nobody who is unworthy of love. I owe them nothing!
I will speak the truth and I will regain my dignity but in doing so I have to walk away…from them all.
Walking away is my only option.
I must try to respect myself enough to have the strength to not look back, no matter how upset or guilty I feel.
That is the thing you see, I feel guilty for telling my secret, my truth, knowing how it will upturn my siblings lives, even my mother’s life. I should not feel guilty but I can’t help it. No matter how much I hate them for what they have done to me, I still care about them too. It is what makes this so hard.
I shouldn’t feel guilty though. They don’t care about me. They don’t care about destroying my life and leaving me to stand alone. They don’t care about the text messages or Facebook updates that make me hate myself even more and make me want to disappear.
I don’t deserve this pain. He raped me. He abused me. This hurts so much and it is tearing me apart. They have hurt me enough. I don’t deserve anymore pain, I have had my fair share, but my abusers do, for what they did. Though, even with how I feel right now I know that I could never hurt them the way they have hurt me. I just couldn’t.
They have hurt me, betrayed me and emotionally destroyed me too many times.
They have taken every ounce of my self-worth and self-respect. They have made me blame myself and hate myself. They have manipulated me and controlled me. Yet somehow I still care for the women who call themselves a mother and a Nan. Somehow I still love my siblings, very much.
That is what makes this decision one of the hardest and most upsetting of my life; I press block on their Facebook profiles and delete their numbers from my phone.
To win this fight I have to walk away. I have no choice. It is my only option.
As I sit here making this decision, I hold a knife to my skin, knowing that self-harming is the only way I can make this pain go away and focus on something else; I am emotionally broken.
A knife in my hand…
Tears in my eyes…
An ache in my heart…
Sadness hits me, crushing my chest; I am broken.
They have finally broken me.
Thanks for reading.