My mind is a battlefield.

demons-talking-into-the-mind-of-a-womanTired; Insomnia has stolen another night from me. A thief who makes sure that I am never really asleep and never really awake. Insomnia makes everything seem so far away, so out of reach.

Restless; I am unable to relax. I am so sleepy and feel so on edge. Another night of nightmares has drained me. My mind is full of distressing images that I am trying hard to ignore but they just won’t go away.

Irritated; I clench my fingers together and curl my toes tight, as tight as I can possibly manage. I try to rid them of this weird, heavy feeling but nothing works! The pins and needles in my hands and feet are making me more frustrated as each minute passes.

Panic; Worrying about the past, yet fearing the future, I feel dizzy trying to process everything. I am anxious knowing that I am struggling to cope. Bad thoughts begin to enter my head; would death be easier? No. I cannot hurt the ones I love. I know I do not want to die, not really.

Pain; It hurts to breathe. My chest feels heavy. The weight of carrying this secret is bearing down on me like a tonne of bricks crashing onto a building site. I struggle to catch my breath as nausea begins to set in.

Sad; I am drowning. Each day that passes more pain and sadness hit me, like waves crashing onto the shore. I want to cry but tears won’t come, fear setting in instead. Invisible tears are the hardest to wipe away.

Hopeless; I am afraid things will never get better. I feel like I am waiting for something that is never going to happen, yet at the same time I feel like something dreadful is going to happen. I am helpless. I am slowly giving up.

Worthless; I hear their voices telling me over and over how unwanted I am. I hear his voice telling me I deserved it all. I feel unworthy of love, rejected. I am disgusting. I am nothing. I am a failure.

Confused; why did they hurt me so badly? What is wrong with me? Did I deserve it? Do I deserve help?

Shame; why can’t I win this war?! I should be able to cope alone. I should not burden others.

Anger; I want to punch something!! I can feel the anger and frustration rising within me. I am trying to ignore it but it won’t go away; anger at him, anger at her, anger at them all….but mainly anger at myself! Why can’t I just forget? I want to cut, I need to cut. I must hurt the outside so that I can kill the inside!

Numb; I am isolated and withdrawn. Emotions are hitting me from every direction. I don’t want to feel all this today. I cannot feel all this today. It is too overwhelming. It is too much.

I am broken. I am fragile. I am tired.

I am tired of trying. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of hurting and of being sad. I am tired of pretending and tired of missing things. I am tired of the memories and nightmares. I am tired of remembering and of not letting go. I am tired of pain and I am tired of bleeding. I am tired of feeling so many emotions all at once. I am tired of just existing.

Most of all I am just tired of being tired.

————————————————————————————————————————————-

Mental Illness is a struggle no matter what the cause and it is very, very real.

Every day my Depression, Anxiety and P.T.S.D want to take control of me and every day I fight them. I fight to keep the thoughts at bay. I fight to keep the memories and nightmares under control. I try not to let the demons in my win. It is exhausting.

My mind is a battlefield; I have to fight to survive whilst my mind wants to die.

Mental Illness is real and surviving it is a battle I fight every single day.

Some days I win. Other days, like today, I lose.

Mental Illness is scary.

Mental Illness is lonely.

Mental Illness is hidden.

Mental Illness is real….very, very real.

Thanks for reading.

 

6 thoughts on “My mind is a battlefield.

  1. Dear Gemma

    I am so sorry that you are having such huge battles, and I wish that I could just wave a magic wand, and make it all go away for you …but I can’t. So, instead, I will pray for you, and ask you to please be patient with yourself as you try and sort out how to move forward from your devastating past. I, and many others are cheering you on from the sidelines, hoping for justice, and a very happy ending for you, and those you love…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I don’t know all your history, nor your pain, but I do know negative voices that came from vile treatment and follow me to this day. It makes for a life’s work to challenge them.
    Take one from above and perhaps try to challenge it, like, “Do I deserve help? To, “I deserve help because I have much to offer.’
    It’s my sense that you do have much to offer, and of course deserve help, love and kindness…

    Liked by 1 person

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