How do you kill the demons inside you without killing yourself?
People say that suicide is selfish and cowardly. These people have never experienced a pain so intense that you see no other way out than to end your life. These people have never felt so worthless that they think the world would be better off without them. These people have never felt like they had no way out and that they could not ask for help because it is selfish.
I have. I have experienced unimaginable pain and I have experienced these feelings of worthlessness. The truth is, I experience this pain, I experience these feelings, every single day and one of the bravest things I have ever done is continuing my life when I wanted to die. When I felt like the selfless thing to do would be to disappear instead of asking for help and burdening others.
I wish I could put into words how it feels to see no way out but it is too hard. You would not understand and I cannot explain. What you must know is that it is not selfishness or cowardness that drives us to thoughts of leaving this world, but is in fact the fear of being selfish and a burden to others by asking for help.
Imagine being so consumed by pain and sadness that the only way out you see is to leave this world.
Everyone tells me that I am not alone, so why do I feel like I am?
Logically I know that I am surrounded by people who love me and who care, but emotionally I have never felt so alone. The memories are my memories. No-one else has them and no one else can understand them. I feel so much and yet at the same time I feel nothing. How can emptiness be so heavy?
I continue to tell myself that tomorrow will be different but it never is. I am in this endless circle of pain, fear, worthlessness and weakness. I will myself to forget the abuse. I wish for the pain to stop but it never ends. The only relief is the cold, shiny blade against my skin.
Every muscle in my body aches and my eyes are red and sore. I am tired. I am scared.
People tell me that I was given this life because I am strong enough to live it. They tell me everything happens for a reason. To those people I ask what reason is there for me to have been abused? Why am I rejected and not protected by my family? For what reason did this all happen to me?
The sadness never leaves. I try to ignore it but it is there all the time. My heart hurts, broken from rejection and dismissal. Torn apart from being thrown away and not being loved by the one person who was meant to love me. I want to cry so badly but you cannot cry when you are empty.
I am fighting my hardest to stay strong but I am lost. Who am I? What purpose do I have here?
I am sad, afraid and confused. The memories consume me, the nightmares too. My strength to fight is fading. I am tired. I am weak.
This hurts too much; the pain, the memories, my demons. I am falling, I am sinking. I have hit rock bottom and I am drowning.
How do I kill my demons; the memories and the pain?
What defines us is how well we rise after falling. Strength grows out of weakness and sometimes we need to lose our way to find our way back to who we are and to find our inner strength.
Sometimes we need to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can stand taller than we ever have before. Rock bottom is the perfect place to rebuild ourselves.
I feel unimaginable pain. I feel worthless and a burden but I am not selfish or a coward. The bravest thing I ever do is continuing my life when I want to disappear. The bravest thing I ever do is continuing this journey when I am unsure of how much more pain I can take.
This is my journey. People cannot understand it and they cannot walk it for me, but they can walk it with me. I cannot walk this path alone.
Who am I? What is my purpose?
I am who I am and that is all I can be. My obstacles will, in time, only strengthen me.
“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly”
I am at rock bottom but my world is not over, not yet, and although I am not healed, I am surviving….just.
I will rebuild myself and one day I will make it to the end of this horrible journey. That is the day I will become a warrior. That is the day I will become a butterfly.
Then I will finally heal my heart.
I will finally find peace.
Thanks for reading.