Some days are just hard.

hard daysSome days are just hard. Today is one of those days.

People tell me to focus on the positives. I wish I could! Is that really how they think Depression or P.T.S.D or any Mental Illness works? Do they really think that I can make this go away by focussing on the positives? I do not like living this way. If I could make it all go away I would!

I am not faking this. I am not attention seeking. I am not just focussing on the negatives. If I were then I wouldn’t have a husband, a house or a career! I am trying! I have been trying all my life! I am trying so damn hard that it hurts!!

It is scary what a smile can hide and I am exhausted from trying to be stronger than I actually feel. My head hurts but my heart hurts more. I am struggling not to breakdown.

Today is hard.

I know I should be used to the pain and sadness that they have caused me but sometimes it just sneaks up on me when I am not expecting it. It sneaks up on me and knocks the wind out of me. I suddenly find it so hard to breathe and struggle to hold back the tears.

Today I am sad.

Not just normal sad but the sort of sad that overwhelms your body. My heart is aching and longing for something. I feel empty. I feel tired. I feel weak.

Today I am lonely.

I know that people care yet I still feel so alone. The pain of reliving the abuse consumes me. The memories of what those people did to me breaking my heart. No-one can understand my journey because they are not living it. That I understand. I would not wish this journey on anyone.

Today I am scared.

Every day gets harder. Every day the nightmare grows stronger. I am not so strong anymore. I am scared. I am tired.

Today I am hurting.

I want to cut. I am struggling not to pick up the knife. I want to feel some different pain; physical pain.

Today I am tired.

I am exhausted. I feel emotionally and physically drained. I want this all to go away; the fear, the pain, the sadness, the anger. I want to wake up from this nightmare.

Some days are just hard. Today is one of those days.

Sometimes in our lives certain things fall apart so that other things can fall together; better things. Sometimes we have to fight through the bad days to earn the best days of our lives.

Some days in this journey are better than others. I will fight. I will survive. I will not give up.

I know that there will finally be peace for me at the end of this journey. However knowing that doesn’t make this journey any easier. It doesn’t make the sadness disappear or the pain hurt less. It doesn’t take the fear away.

Some days are just hard.

The strongest thing I have ever done is to continue my life when I wanted to die; to continue this journey when I have wanted to give up.

These are the days that I withdraw so that you don’t see me struggle. These are the days that I have to fight harder to overcome the fear and sadness. These are the days when I struggle to survive the memories, nightmares and flashbacks. These are the days when I am triggered and I want to give up but I won’t. These are the days when my real strength shines through despite those people thinking I am not trying hard enough.

Depression, Anxiety, P.T.S.D, Memories, Nightmares, Flashbacks, Triggers, Therapy, Police Interviews.

Some days are just hard.

Today is one of those days.

Thanks for reading.

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