There is a child inside each one of us who comes out in front of people we are most comfortable with.
My entire life my inner child has never shown herself. She has never felt safe enough to come out of the darkness. She is wounded and invisible but she has always been there, buried deep inside, hiding. However denying her existence doesn’t make her go away. I have tried for so very long.
My inner child was lost the day my abuser first touched me, she was lost at 11 years old. She has never been nurtured or nourished. She has never known a mothers love. She has been hurt and neglected.
Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime. Scars that cannot be seen are the ones that are the hardest to heal but to find peace I have to heal my inner child.
We had no one to tell, no one to help us. We weren’t allowed to cry, to show our tears. Our body would shut down. We would cut and hurt ourselves instead. She locked herself away…. I locked her away. I had no choice; I had to keep her safe. It was the only way we would survive. The only way I knew I could survive.
I am afraid to let go but she is counting on me to let her out, she is counting on me to protect her and to give her a voice.
I have to hold her hand and love the little girl I used to be, for she is the child who survived the monsters, she is the child who survived the nightmare. She is the little girl who has always been so quiet that people forget that she is suffering. She is the little girl who has never been allowed to show her pain, to have a voice, to tell her story.
She is the little girl I have kept hidden for twenty years. I have to set her free.
However I have a heavy heart. My inner child is wounded. I am scared to let her out because she is in a lot of pain. Pain that I am not sure I can handle. I try to keep her locked away so that I can be strong, but I am struggling. She wants to tell her story. She wants to cry the tears she never got to cry. I am scared to tell how much she hurts because that little girl is me. I hurt. I hurt so much and inside I am falling apart.
My inner child and I; we are more broken than people think. Piece by piece we break apart. Memory by memory we break apart. Flashback by flashback we break apart. Nightmare by nightmare we break apart. Day by day we break apart.
Holding in our pain, our fear, our tears is breaking us.
We are vulnerable and afraid to trust, yet we want comfort and to feel loved. We want someone to hold us, to wrap us up and keep us safe. We want someone to protect us while we cry the tears that the monsters never let us cry. We want someone to help us to tell our story. We want someone to hold us when we break from the heartache.
It should not hurt to be a child.
Children should be able to cry when hurt, laugh when happy and express their true feelings. Children should not grow up in fear….but I did. I have spent my life trying to forget my childhood. I have spent my life keeping my inner child locked away. I have spent my life trying to hide our pain, to protect us. To protect me.
It should not hurt to be a child but it did, my inner child is wounded.
That little girl is lost and afraid. She has been fighting a fight that she did not ask to be a part of. She has had her innocence stolen. She has been betrayed. She has been used and abused but she survived.
Her body has scars but it is starting to heal from the monsters touch. However her heart is still broken.
With help, I will cradle her, love her and protect her. I will give her a voice. I will heal her heart.
That little girl will be free, I will be free; One memory, one word, one tear at a time.
Thanks for reading.