Giving in to sadness.

sadness1Have you ever been so sad that it physically hurts inside? I have.

I am that sad as I sit writing this. I am hoping that writing this piece will stop me from taking a blade to my skin. I am hoping that writing this piece will help relieve some of the pain and sadness from inside me so I don’t need to burn a lighter against my skin to take it all away.

I am struggling.

This sadness is so deep that it hurts to breathe. Every breath is becoming harder to take. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. I want to disappear into the darkness that I can feel around me.

My head feels fuzzy and heavy. I am barely able to hold it up right now. I feel helpless and alone. Today I am afraid of the dark. It hurts. It makes me sad and I cannot keep it under control.

I sit here struggling to find self-worth or the spirit to stay strong today. I am a failure and I am weak. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep but I am too afraid to close my eyes as that is when the nightmares come.

I feel isolated. No-one knows the way I feel. No-one knows the true me. I am feeling like I bother people just by being alive.

Today the sadness overwhelms me. I am tired of fighting this depression inside me. It takes all my energy away and my ability to function disappears. I am so tired. I am struggling to keep my eyes open as I write.

Just because I am used to all this doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt anymore. My pain grows stronger every day and with it so does this overwhelming sadness but my tears won’t come. I feel deflated. Defeated.

I stare into the distance. I can’t focus and the distractions come easily. My head is so heavy. I don’t feel like myself. I know I am dissociating. My defence mechanism is kicking in.

Sometimes I get so sad that I just shut down. It doesn’t matter what you say to me because in that moment I feel like I don’t exist.

Today is a bad day, I am afraid of tomorrow. I am afraid of what is to come. I am afraid of this sadness.

It comes in waves. If I keep myself busy I can conquer it but every time I pause the grief is just there, like a hole in my heart, growing bigger every day. Suddenly it hits harder than I ever thought it would.

Grief hurts. Loss hurts. It never really goes away. It makes me want to stop participating in life. I thought I could handle the pain but not today. Today it is just too much.

My heart aches today. Not because of one thing but because of lots of things, because of the pieces my heart has lost, because of the pieces that I had taken from me, the pieces that I will never get back. It is the kind of heartache that you can feel in your bones.

Today I give in to the sadness. Today I will curl up and not face the world. Today I will pretend I don’t exist.

Today is a tough day juggling the sadness I feel inside and I am learning that that is OK.

I have no faith today, no hope or courage. I have no strength to fight or to be strong. Maybe I will find it again tomorrow.

After all this pain and sadness can’t go on forever can it?

For forever is a really long time.

Thanks for reading.

 

 

2 thoughts on “Giving in to sadness.

  1. Dear, dear Gemma

    I am so sorry that you’re having a bad day today….and that you have been suffering for a very long time from the effects of being abused for the selfish sexual gratification of an utterly despicable man. I am sorry that you were/are betrayed by the people who are supposed to be your best support system. I really can’t understand how any of this can happen….but I know that it does. I think you have been able to carry on because you have an ‘overcoming spirit ‘. You don’t even seem to be aware of it, but it’s strong in you!!! You rest today, if that’s what you need to do to handle all the current stress in your life. You have dealt with so much lately, and it finally seems like you might get a measure of justice…some validation, and the hope that your abuser will face some serious consequences for his ungodly actions. That’s all good, but it doesn’t change your daily life does it? I get that. I think your greatest victory is that you have refused to be defined as a lifelong ‘victim’ !!!!!!!! Despite unspeakable, horrific, soul-destroying incidents perpetrated on you, at a deep level, you don’t accept/believe that you deserved any of it! I am so glad that you are listening to the part of you that still dares to hope that the future has great things in store for you, and will not allow any further disrespect, manipulation or lies.
    I am struggling here to let you know how much I care…somehow I feel like your big sister, and I want you to know that YOU are important – whether you feel like it, or not, whether you believe it, or not…it’s the TRUTH about every single one of us! I believe that God can work all of this mess for great good. Don’t ask me how, but I know miracles happen – I have been the recipient of a couple of them! As amazing and preposterous as it may sound…you may even want to thank the Lord (NOT for the abuse, but for leading you to a glorious victory over your enemies!!!!!!!!). This happened to me many years ago, and it’s still a blessing to me whenever I recall what God did for me…..He prepared a table for me in the presence of my enemies….like David in his psalm 23…the same man who earlier said “my God, why have you forsaken me” later said “surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life”! Sending much love your way today dear one! ✨💖✨

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Carrie x

      I don’t feel like I have an overcoming spirit today. I feel very sad and emotional. Very overwhelmed.

      I think everything is finally catching up with me. I just hope I can get some strength back tomorrow as I have another interview.

      Thank you for always supporting me. It means so much to me.
      Xxxx

      Like

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