Have you ever been so sad that it physically hurts inside? I have.
I am that sad as I sit writing this. I am hoping that writing this piece will stop me from taking a blade to my skin. I am hoping that writing this piece will help relieve some of the pain and sadness from inside me so I don’t need to burn a lighter against my skin to take it all away.
I am struggling.
This sadness is so deep that it hurts to breathe. Every breath is becoming harder to take. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. I want to disappear into the darkness that I can feel around me.
My head feels fuzzy and heavy. I am barely able to hold it up right now. I feel helpless and alone. Today I am afraid of the dark. It hurts. It makes me sad and I cannot keep it under control.
I sit here struggling to find self-worth or the spirit to stay strong today. I am a failure and I am weak. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep but I am too afraid to close my eyes as that is when the nightmares come.
I feel isolated. No-one knows the way I feel. No-one knows the true me. I am feeling like I bother people just by being alive.
Today the sadness overwhelms me. I am tired of fighting this depression inside me. It takes all my energy away and my ability to function disappears. I am so tired. I am struggling to keep my eyes open as I write.
Just because I am used to all this doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt anymore. My pain grows stronger every day and with it so does this overwhelming sadness but my tears won’t come. I feel deflated. Defeated.
I stare into the distance. I can’t focus and the distractions come easily. My head is so heavy. I don’t feel like myself. I know I am dissociating. My defence mechanism is kicking in.
Sometimes I get so sad that I just shut down. It doesn’t matter what you say to me because in that moment I feel like I don’t exist.
Today is a bad day, I am afraid of tomorrow. I am afraid of what is to come. I am afraid of this sadness.
It comes in waves. If I keep myself busy I can conquer it but every time I pause the grief is just there, like a hole in my heart, growing bigger every day. Suddenly it hits harder than I ever thought it would.
Grief hurts. Loss hurts. It never really goes away. It makes me want to stop participating in life. I thought I could handle the pain but not today. Today it is just too much.
My heart aches today. Not because of one thing but because of lots of things, because of the pieces my heart has lost, because of the pieces that I had taken from me, the pieces that I will never get back. It is the kind of heartache that you can feel in your bones.
Today I give in to the sadness. Today I will curl up and not face the world. Today I will pretend I don’t exist.
Today is a tough day juggling the sadness I feel inside and I am learning that that is OK.
I have no faith today, no hope or courage. I have no strength to fight or to be strong. Maybe I will find it again tomorrow.
After all this pain and sadness can’t go on forever can it?
For forever is a really long time.
Thanks for reading.