Rejecting them is protecting me.

butterflySometimes the darkness inside you can make you feel so small. This is how I feel most of the time; small and worthless.

The thing is, it is my “family” that have created this darkness inside me.

For as long as I can remember they have made me feel insignificant. Their words of hate and negativity embedded in my brain. The shame of being the terrible daughter they have made me out to be.

They have ripped me into pieces and torn my heart in two so that they can keep themselves whole. They have used me, confused me and misled me so that they can go on living their lie and not have to deal with what he has done to me.

They have hurt me more than I ever thought was possible….and I let them. Every time I back down or give in to their demands, every time I play happy families, they win. They win and they take another bit of my dignity.

Well no longer.

Several nights ago, just before Christmas, they made me feel the smallest I have ever felt. I let them into my home to play happy families for one afternoon, to keep up the pretence until they realise I have reported him.

Letting them into my home that day was my mistake. Or maybe it was a blessing in disguise. All I know is that on that day my eyes were opened more than they ever have been before.

When my “mother” just sat there in silence whilst my sisters threw insults at me about my depression and anxiety, I realised that she was never going to change. I realised that they had planned this and that yet again she was using my siblings to get to me and I fell for it.

As I sat calmly taking the insults as I usually do, I could feel something rising inside my chest, a pain, and I could feel the tears in my eyes. I realised at that moment that I could not do it anymore. I was not willing to take the insults they were throwing at me and the pain that came with them. It was hurting me too much to go through this all the time.

So I stood up and told them to leave. I told them I no longer wanted them in my house.  I threw them out and slammed the door behind them. Then I shook and could feel the tears running down my cheeks. They had broken me. I was done.

They had made me feel so small and worthless in that single moment, more than any other time before, that something inside me snapped. I could not take it anymore.

They have no idea of the internal battles I fight daily. They have no idea what I go through every single day…and even if they did I don’t think they would care.

I am done pretending that I mean something to them. I am done trying to convince myself that she ever loved me. She continues to stand by my abuser. She made her choice.

Words cannot be forgotten. Sometimes they cannot be forgiven either. The things they have said to me over the past twenty years, the insults, the negative comments, the hatred, they will always be with me. I will never forget and I will never forgive.

I feel lost and I don’t know where I am going or what to do. All I do know is that, through all the hatred and shame that I have for myself, I must try to respect myself enough to walk away.

I would rather be on my own with dignity than sacrifice my self-respect any longer.

I don’t know where this path is taking me and I am scared every single day but I do know that as weak and as sad as I feel right now, I still have a lot of fight left in me.

I have no choice. I have to fight. I have to be a voice. For myself, for others.

There are some important words in this world; Honesty, Truth, Respect. Without these there is nothing. They do not respect me, they are not honest and they do not tell the truth. They live a lie every single day to protect themselves.

I have to walk away. I can no longer be vulnerable around them. I can no longer let them break my heart over and over. It hurts too much and is tearing me apart.

Rejecting them is protecting me.

Protecting me is the first step to finding my wings….to leaving this darkness.

Protecting me is the first step to freedom.

Thanks for reading.

 

7 thoughts on “Rejecting them is protecting me.

  1. You have the right to protect yourself. It’s hard and it hurts at first, but you begin to recognize that you aren’t the person that you were made to believe that you are.

    Well – that’s how it worked for me. It still hurts that I don’t have a relationship with my family, but it’s a whole different kind of hurt than believing I was the horrible person they wanted me to believe that I am.

    You are a survivor with courage, and hope seeking justice. That’s wonderful!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so happy that you have realized that you are a woman of dignity, worthy of respect and love….you know the real truth, and you will not settle for ‘their’ version of it anymore!!! I am so very proud of you for standing up for yourself….and for so many others who haven’t yet found their voices because they’re afraid that they won’t be believed. Tell your truth…it is setting you free before my very eyes!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Carrie Xx

      I am really trying to see my self worth. I have good days and bad. Writing this blog gives me some purpose. I want to help others. So I guess that helps me keep going.

      Thank you for all your support.
      It means a lot to me xxx

      Like

  3. I’m right there with you. Cutting your family off is very hard but sometimes very necessary. Especially this time of year. I’m still working up the courage to do. Christmas was bad, but it’s about to be a new year. A many changes are going to be made. Best wishes on your journey through all of this. Sounds like you’re doing great!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Rejecting them is putting your needs first instead of theirs. Your needs first. Always. If there is one thing I have learned in this journey it is that when I learned to do that the wounds started to heal. There are still scars. But scars are ok – they tell the stories of survival – that I made it. It’s the open wounds that are the hardest but once the balance starts to tip, and it will for you, with more scars than wounds, those wings will get stronger and one day you will soar Gemma!

    Like

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