Sometimes the darkness inside you can make you feel so small. This is how I feel most of the time; small and worthless.
The thing is, it is my “family” that have created this darkness inside me.
For as long as I can remember they have made me feel insignificant. Their words of hate and negativity embedded in my brain. The shame of being the terrible daughter they have made me out to be.
They have ripped me into pieces and torn my heart in two so that they can keep themselves whole. They have used me, confused me and misled me so that they can go on living their lie and not have to deal with what he has done to me.
They have hurt me more than I ever thought was possible….and I let them. Every time I back down or give in to their demands, every time I play happy families, they win. They win and they take another bit of my dignity.
Well no longer.
Several nights ago, just before Christmas, they made me feel the smallest I have ever felt. I let them into my home to play happy families for one afternoon, to keep up the pretence until they realise I have reported him.
Letting them into my home that day was my mistake. Or maybe it was a blessing in disguise. All I know is that on that day my eyes were opened more than they ever have been before.
When my “mother” just sat there in silence whilst my sisters threw insults at me about my depression and anxiety, I realised that she was never going to change. I realised that they had planned this and that yet again she was using my siblings to get to me and I fell for it.
As I sat calmly taking the insults as I usually do, I could feel something rising inside my chest, a pain, and I could feel the tears in my eyes. I realised at that moment that I could not do it anymore. I was not willing to take the insults they were throwing at me and the pain that came with them. It was hurting me too much to go through this all the time.
So I stood up and told them to leave. I told them I no longer wanted them in my house. I threw them out and slammed the door behind them. Then I shook and could feel the tears running down my cheeks. They had broken me. I was done.
They had made me feel so small and worthless in that single moment, more than any other time before, that something inside me snapped. I could not take it anymore.
They have no idea of the internal battles I fight daily. They have no idea what I go through every single day…and even if they did I don’t think they would care.
I am done pretending that I mean something to them. I am done trying to convince myself that she ever loved me. She continues to stand by my abuser. She made her choice.
Words cannot be forgotten. Sometimes they cannot be forgiven either. The things they have said to me over the past twenty years, the insults, the negative comments, the hatred, they will always be with me. I will never forget and I will never forgive.
I feel lost and I don’t know where I am going or what to do. All I do know is that, through all the hatred and shame that I have for myself, I must try to respect myself enough to walk away.
I would rather be on my own with dignity than sacrifice my self-respect any longer.
I don’t know where this path is taking me and I am scared every single day but I do know that as weak and as sad as I feel right now, I still have a lot of fight left in me.
I have no choice. I have to fight. I have to be a voice. For myself, for others.
There are some important words in this world; Honesty, Truth, Respect. Without these there is nothing. They do not respect me, they are not honest and they do not tell the truth. They live a lie every single day to protect themselves.
I have to walk away. I can no longer be vulnerable around them. I can no longer let them break my heart over and over. It hurts too much and is tearing me apart.
Rejecting them is protecting me.
Protecting me is the first step to finding my wings….to leaving this darkness.
Protecting me is the first step to freedom.
Thanks for reading.