How will I find the words?

butterfly wordMy dear sisters and brother,

How will I ever find the words to tell you my secret?  A secret that I know will break your heart. I know this because it breaks mine every day.

How will I find the words to tell you that your father is not mine? I want you to know that it doesn’t matter to me; you are still and will always be my siblings. I love you.

How will I find the words to tell you that your father is a paedophile, a rapist, and that the person he raped was me?

How do I tell you that I was 11 years old? Just a child when he started and that for the past twenty years I have been living a nightmare. A nightmare that I had to keep from you to keep the family together and to keep you safe. A nightmare caused by your father and our mother.

How do I tell you that the reason I moved out of home when you were so young was not because I didn’t care or love you as you were led to believe all these years, but that in fact I left because our mother wouldn’t protect me? That she knew what he was doing to me and just let it happen? That even though I reported him and the police were involved, that our mother called me a liar and stood by the man who hurt me.

How will I find ever find the words to tell you that the happy childhood memories you have with our mother and your father are not the same memories I have? That I have no happy childhood memories. That all I remember is the abuse and being treated in hospital for the pain and bleeding caused. That throughout my childhood I was scared and betrayed and grew to hate myself.

How will I find the words to tell you that I coped with the abuse by cutting myself? Hurting myself was better than causing any more problems and was better than getting into trouble again. How do I tell you that I still hurt myself now?

How do I tell you that for the past two years I have been having intense therapy and that for most of my life I have suffered from Depression and Anxiety? How do I tell you that I have now been diagnosed with PTSD and have to live my life dealing with nightmares and flashbacks and the memories of what he did to me?

How will I find the words to tell you that I will never be able to forgive your father for what he did to me? That I will never be able to forgive our mother or our Nan for not helping me and protecting me?

How will I find the words to tell you that I had to make the hardest decision of my life recently and that I reported your father to the police? I know you will hate me. I have not done this to tear the family apart. I have done this because I need to protect other victims and finally get some justice for myself. I know you will think I am being selfish but I have no choice.

How will I explain that I haven’t done this sooner because I needed you to be old enough to make up your own minds about me and what happened? That I needed to know that you were able to make your own decisions above everything bad that will be said about me.

How will I find the words to tell you that my relationship with your parents will now be non-existent and that I cannot and will not have them as my family? I want you to know that I will never make you choose between me and them. They are your family. I will never put you in that position.

How do I tell you that he stole my childhood from me? Your father ruined the relationships I could have had with you or our mother. He cut me out and made me the bad one.

How do I begin to explain the trauma he has caused or how horrible my life has been? I felt weak and alone. I didn’t think I would ever find the strength to survive….but somehow I did, I made it through what he did…but now I must work on my recovery.

What he did has affected me more than you will ever know and I am heartbroken that I have to tell you any of this. Our mother should have told you a long time ago but it has been left to me. I am scared and anxious and I don’t want to lose you but I know you have to make your own decisions and I will respect them.

My dear sisters and brother, How will I ever find the words to tell you any of this? I know what I have to tell you will turn your world upside down, but I have no choice now and it is breaking my heart.

They will be the hardest words I ever need to speak….but I have to find a way to tell you.

Can someone tell me how to find the words?

Please?

This is tearing me apart.

Thanks for reading.

3 thoughts on “How will I find the words?

  1. Gemma I think you found the words. They are this blog post. I can’t imagine how heart wrenching this must be for you and their reaction to this is completely unpredictable. I hope they surprise you with love and support.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I believe that only hearts that love deeply can break. You love your siblings. Hold onto that. Love is powerful. Write your letter from a place of love. I hear love when I read this post. Your siblings will hear it to. It may take time, but they will. 💜

        Like

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