Broken wings can fly again.

images (21)Happy birthday “dad”

I wonder if today holds as many memories for you as it does for me. If it does I am certain they will be happy memories for you…but for me they make me recoil in horror.

Happy birthday “dad”

I am not your blood but I trusted you. You were the only dad I ever knew. Tell me, did you know what you were doing that first day you touched me? I was 11 years old. Did you know the damage you would cause?

Happy birthday “dad”

You said I was your princess, made me keep your secret. I didn’t know what you were doing was wrong…until the day you raped me.

Happy birthday “dad”

I was 13 years old the first time you raped me. Did it make you feel like a man when you were raping me, a child? Did it make you feel good when I cried out in pain? I know you didn’t care because you left me bleeding and alone.

Happy birthday “dad”

Did it make you proud when the other men said I was beautiful or did it make you jealous watching them rape me too? You let them hurt me while you stood and watched, did that make you feel powerful?

Happy birthday “dad”

Do you still have the photos you took and videos you made? You know the ones, they made me feel disgusting and ashamed, yet they filled you with pride. They showed the terror in my eyes but achievement in yours. How many men like you have seen them, seen me?

Happy birthday “dad”

Do you care that you stole my childhood? Was that your plan all along, from the moment you met my mother? I looked up to you. You said I was your daughter, you said you loved me. Yet you hurt me. You took my family from me. I hate you.

Happy birthday “dad”

Let me tell you what it has been like living with what you did to me. I have been living in a nightmare for the past twenty years. You broke me.

Happy birthday “dad”

Fear gripped my life because of you. You could have stopped. You should have stopped. You had a choice. You chose to hurt me. Nowhere was safe. I was never free from you. At home, in the car, on holidays. I was never safe from your wandering hands or leering eyes. You should have stopped!

Happy birthday “dad”

Depression, Anxiety and PTSD; you caused those. Nightmares, flashbacks and triggers; you caused those too. I am remembering “dad”, remembering everything. Does that make you feel scared?

Happy birthday “dad”

One day you will know how many times I wished for death to take me. Death would have saved me from your touch, your kiss and the pain of you inside of me. I know you saw the scars from the scissors and knives I would run across my skin. They may be made by my hand but you caused those scars.

Happy birthday “dad”

Because of you I have wasted so many years feeling worthless. You have made me hate myself. You have made me lose myself. Does that make you happy? You stole my childhood, the happy memories I should have made. You stole those years from me.

Happy birthday “dad”

You stole my innocence, my family, my trust and my voice….but not any longer.

Guess what “dad?”

It is time for me to speak up and be heard. People are listening to me now.

Today I begin to take back everything you stole from me. Every scar I have is a battle you won but you will not win this war. I will fight and I will survive.

You have never been and never will be my dad. You are my abuser and that is all you are. You no longer have power over me. I will no longer wish you a happy birthday and pretend I mean it. I will no longer be your “gift” like I was as a child.

I have finally found my voice and I will speak up for myself and any of your other victims.

Tell me, are you living in fear now? How does it feel to finally lose your hold over me?

I may be bruised and you may have broken me but broken wings can fly again. I will fly and I will heal.

You cannot silence me anymore.

Thanks for reading.

8 thoughts on “Broken wings can fly again.

  1. I had shivers reading this. I could feel the power in your words almost like there is a strength within you in that is building with each completed sentence and then it comes through clearly, courageously and so very strong at the end. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I find I have moments when I feel very strong, brave, courageous and I am so sure they will carry me through the day or the week and the next think I know it’s gone. Life intervenes, maybe I’ve been triggered or there is a flashback, and I am back to feeling like I can’t do all this. I swear if anyone asked my kids “what is the one phrase you hear your mom say ALL the time time” it would be “I can’t do this anymore”. And then I remind myself I get through it each and every time. Somehow we all do. The fact we are still here is what reminds me of that.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wooow i really feel for you at the same time im proud of the woman you are and with little baby step each day you will enventualy fly again. You just opened my eyes as a single mother of a daughter and, a son that i should be careful when it comes to who im dating and i should always protect them thank you this is a big eye opener for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hallelujah ! I am blown away by your strength and clarity revealed in this post!!! Your ‘wings’ may feel a little wobbly at times, from being pinned down for so long, but there is no doubting the tremendous power in your ‘voice’ these days !!!!! I am so happy for you, and so glad that you persevered….YOU HAVE OVERCOME SO MUCH,,,life-shattering incidents, years of degradation and abuse, intensely fear-filled , confused , panicked hopelessness when you thought that no one believed you…and despite all of that (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) you are still standing! You have realized that you did NOT deserve any of the mistreatment and lies, and you are finally defending yourself! You have discovered your truth, and it has set you free!!! You should be very proud of yourself! You are an amazing young woman, and I wish you the very best -now, and in the future ! 💫✨🎉💓🙏🏻

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Carrie xx
      I am trying to stay strong. Yesterday was hard for me as was writing this…. I am not sure I have the strength to get through this but I will certainly try xx

      Thank you so much for your continued support. It means a lot to me xxx

      Like

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