My friend, I’m sorry.

sorryDear friend, I’m sorry,

I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never meant to make you sad. I know I am a terrible friend and I am trying to be better but I know that is not good enough. I’m sorry.

The thing is I am broken. They have broken me. However I am finally trying to fix myself.

I am scared to tell you how bad this all makes me feel because my depression tells me that you will think I want attention. Instead I wear a smile but inside I want to scream and cry and breakdown.

You see, no one knows the real me. Nobody knows how many times I have hurt myself when nobody was watching. Nobody knows how many times I have been hurt and have lost hope. Nobody knows how many times I have wanted to breakdown and cry and have a hug, but I don’t, for the sake of others. No one knows the thoughts that go through my head when I am sad or how horrible they really are. Nobody knows me.

I wish I could explain how it feels, this fog that I walk around in. I will try.

It is like hands closing around my throat and feet pressing on my chest until I can no longer breathe. One minute I can be doing OK but the next I feel like walls are closing in around me. I am caving in inside my own head and my heart starts hurting.

I am severely overwhelmed with everything. It has come to a point where doing even the smallest thing makes me feel like breaking down and crying. Everything feels too much.

I find comfort in being alone. Not because I don’t want to spend time with you but because I am scared to show my sadness. My trauma and my pain are just that, mine. It is not fair for me to burden you. So instead I hide behind my smile so that you don’t see my torture. I know if I was to open up to you that I would finally shed some tears. I am sorry that I sometimes keep my distance and shut you out; I don’t mean to, my pain makes me build up walls to protect myself. For me, tears and crying mean more pain and I am scared to let that pain in.

I feel like something terrible is going to happen. I am afraid and want to run away, but even if I did run I could not escape my thoughts, my memories, and my nightmares. They are always with me.

I wish I could explain how hard it is living with what he has done to me. My whole life I have felt like his prisoner hiding in plain sight. Yet at the same time feeling like there is nowhere to hide from this nightmare I am living in. I have kept the pain to myself for so long that a part of me has died.

I do everything I can to never have to depend on anyone, to never show weakness but now I feel like I am drowning and no one can save me…but me. I have to save myself, but fighting to stay strong whilst facing what they have done to me is hard.

Depression and Anxiety are exhausting. I am fighting a silent battle in my head every day. Depression tells me I am worthless, just like he always said I was. It tells me I don’t deserve to be alive or to fight. Anxiety tells me I am a burden if I try to share my pain and tells me you will leave.

However what are worse are the nightmares, the flashbacks, the memories and the triggers. The pain and turmoil from the PTSD are unbearable.

I feel lost in the memories of what he did and I don’t know if there is a way out. I am hurting constantly over what she did and that she gave up on me. Sometimes I feel unsure if I have the strength to even make it through the day without breaking  down.

I am triggered by the smallest thing; a smell, a noise, an accent. They take me back to that horrible place, childhood. So you see I am afraid to socialise in case I break…not because I don’t want to see you. I miss you.

I have lost myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. I hope that during this process of fixing myself that I will find myself again but sometimes during this journey to freedom and recovery I cannot tell if it is killing me or making me stronger.

I feel so many emotions all at once, emotions that I have always been too afraid to feel. I don’t understand how it is possible to feel love, hate, anger, happiness, sadness and confusion all at the same time. Sometimes it is just all too much to take and so I shut down.

I understand that from an outsider’s perspective it is hard to understand Mental Health. I know if you haven’t been through it you cannot really understand it and that is OK. I would rather feel all this alone than ever have you even try to feel the things I do now. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody.

Please know that I am trying so hard to stay strong and get through this. Sometimes I think I am doing OK but then something else comes along to trigger me and I feel like I am back at square one.

I know I am a burden sometimes when I message you to talk about my memories of the abuse or the thoughts in my head. I am so sorry my friend. I know this takes a toll on you and not just on me. From the bottom of my heart I am sorry. I hope you can forgive me.

I apologise for any pain or sadness I have ever caused you. I never meant to hurt you. I am sorry that I have not been as good a friend to you as you have been to me but I want you to know this; I love you. I love you and I could not have done any of this without you.

I know I am not perfect, not even close, and I don’t know how to thank you for standing by me, but I know I am lucky to have you in my life. One day I will find a way to repay you for your kindness.

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future and accepts you today for who you are”

Thank you for believing in me for all these years. Thank you for accepting me the way I am.

I am sorry that I am struggling and just trying to get through the day right now.

I will fight. I will persevere. I will overcome and I will win. Just like you always tell me to. I promise. Please just bear with me a little longer my friend, I need some time to grieve and heal.

I promise to make you proud of me.

I love you.

Thanks for reading.

2 thoughts on “My friend, I’m sorry.

  1. Wow! I don’t know what to say. Guess you are wondering why then am I commenting. These words you wrote here just break my heart. Take whatever time you need to get yourself together and heal from the trauma that haunts you. Sometimes there is no justice. But there is always PEACE. You will find it. You will heal and be strong again. That’s really all I had to say. I wish you Peace and Love from my heart to yours. God Bless!

    Liked by 1 person

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