Today I find my voice.

butterfly 5I feel sick as I turn around and head back the way I came. I can’t explain the feeling I have inside, except that it is over powering me. Forcing me back the way I came. I have never had this feeling before but for some reason I know that I cannot ignore it. I also know that I cannot think about it too much because if I do I won’t go through with this.

I see the building in the distance. It is the building that I pass every time I go to therapy. It is the building that I passed this morning when I attended therapy. My stomach turns as I get closer and see the sign; Police Station.

I walk through the double doors praying that there will not be many people in there. I have never set foot in a police station in my life. I think I am going to be sick. I take a deep breath and approach the front desk. I am so grateful when I see that the officer behind the glass is a woman. I have no idea what I would have done if it had been a man.

The officer looks over at me and smiles. Suddenly I cannot move. My feet feel heavy and my legs feel like jelly. I am glued to the spot I am standing in and I can feel myself begin to panic. I must look scared as the officer asks if I am OK. Come on feet…move!!

I take a deep breath and walk towards her. My palms feel sweaty and I can feel the bile rising in my throat. I swallow. “I need to speak to someone about how to report something” I say and I also explain that I want it to be a female.

In that moment I can tell that she has figured out what I am there to talk about. Her face changes to a sympathetic look as she asks if I want to go into a private room to talk. I can’t seem to speak but I manage a nod. She leaves the desk and comes to take me to a private room.

We sit down and my legs are shaking. I can’t stop them. I explain that I would like some information on how to report something and she says she will do the best she can to help me. I hesitate when she asks what I want help with, and then I hear the words leave my mouth “I was abused for twenty years”.

She has a calming way about her as she explains that she will speak to her Sargeant to see if there is a specialist free to talk to me. By now my whole body is shaking and I have tears in my eyes. She makes me a cup of tea and asks me to wait.

Ten minutes pass, by which point I am so nervous I think if she doesn’t return soon I am going to pass out. She comes back with a specialist female DC and introduces us. Then she leaves.

The DC seems nice as she explains how she is a specialist who investigates historical child abuse, but not once can I make eye contact with her. She tells me she needs to ask me some questions and that she will help me as much as possible. I nod to let her know that is OK.

She begins by telling me that I am victim. She says she 100% believes me and that I will not be judged. I feel like I want to cry. She asks me who the person is who abused me. I tell her it is my stepfather. Then after a few more questions and discussing a few things she asks me a question that I think will break me.

“There are different severities of abuse. I need you to tell me which he did to you” she says. I nod and she continues.  “Was it touching over clothing, touching under clothing or touching inside your body?” I reply that it was all three. Then she asks “Was it using his fingers or his penis?” I look down at the floor in shame as I answer that it was both. I want to curl up in a ball and disappear as she says that I was raped and that that is what she will put on the report. Yep. I want to cry.

She asks me a few more questions and explains the process to me. She explains that the next step is to get statements from me and that they will be recorded. She says from the basic information I have been able to give her that it may go to trial. I feel the bile rising in my throat again and take a sip of tea. She says that no matter what I decide to do now that she will have to investigate because it is so serious. Then she calls my friend to make sure I am looked after. She says she has a duty of care and must safe guard me, especially as she knows about my self-harm and PTSD.

I feel sick. I want to run away. Today I have started to report my abuse. Have I done the right thing?

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. My greatest fear is being vulnerable. For me it is tougher to be vulnerable than it is to be tough. However I have been bearing this untold story for too long. I have lived in darkness for too long.

The one thing I have been afraid of doing is the one thing that can set me free. I have to speak the truth, even though my voice shakes as I do. I have to find the courage to be heard. I have to be vulnerable. I have to find the strength to see this through.

It is time for me to stop hiding. If my voice held no power my abusers would not have tried to silence me. They know the truth. I know the truth and it can set me free.

It is time to find my wings. It is time to become a butterfly.

Today is the day I find my voice and owning my story will be the bravest thing I ever do.

Thanks for reading.

24 thoughts on “Today I find my voice.

  1. Hugs to you! I began trembling as I read this post and your journey into the police station. My abuser was my father. That was several years ago and I never had the courage that you found. Many times I wished I had reported my father. God bless you and continue to provide you strength as you go through this journey.

    If you would like someone to talk to, you can find me on Facebook, or check out my story too.

    Hugs & prayers

    IAMicried
    https://www.facebook.com/VisionsOfRainbows
    http://tomorrowsrainbow.blogspot.com

    Like

  2. Wow, amazing courage Gemma! I can’t even imagine what it must have felt like to walk in to the station and then back out after telling your story. Do you feel lighter? Sometimes I think I am the only one who still carries that childhood story, others have moved on, and here I am with it strapped to my back. I’m curious to know if anything shifted for you once the female officer said she had to investigate, if you felt you had passed at least some of the burden onto her. Your story is inspiring and will help others to report their abusers. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Tracey. X

      I guess I feel a little weight lifted although I haven’t really told them much yet. I think I will feel differently once I tell my full story…but I am very afraid. I am not sure I have the strength to do this. I hope I am brave enough.

      Thank you for your continued support. I am always here to support you xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes the fear! It can be so overpowering. What keeps me from going to the police (my dad is dead but his partner in crime is still alive) is exactly that – fear. Mostly of the repercussions, I think. But you know what, you sharing this story got me thinking if you can walk through those doors then so can I. I did not know there are historical abuse detectives. I wonder if they exist where I live. I’ve also worried that I wouldn’t be believed or because I’m from a small town, that the police detectives might be someone I know or grew up with. Gossip is rampant there too. Yes fear – can you read it in my words? Ugh!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes. I am afraid of repurcussions also…. but I realised he has ruined enough of my life.
        I am embarrassed and ashamed but I know I have to tell my story….if not for me then for others
        You could ring up your police station and see if they have specialists.

        A phonecall means you wouldnt feel as much pressure x xx

        Liked by 1 person

  3. You dear, brave girl…I am so very proud of you for standing up for yourself….for esteeming yourself highly enough, and for knowing that this is a step you must take in order to be free, and rid yourself of your abuser’s dark secret. You’ve defended and protected him long enough! God bless you and keep you as you move forward into the light, and leave this mess behind you. Take good care of yourself!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You are so so brave. I wish I had the strength you do. Just now starting the therapy process and am finding it hard to even do that. Prayers going your way. You deserve to be free and to have everything in life that comes with it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Courtney. Though I don’t feel brave. I feel terrified.

      The very fact you are starting therapy is a huge thing. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Take it a day at a time.

      I am still having….and will need..intense therapy for a long time. I am not sure I am even ready to tackle the police but I have to try. It will be a long process though.

      Honestly do not put too much pressure on yourself. You are taking the first step.

      Thank you for your continued support xx

      Like

      1. I’m looking at 2 sessions a week for an hour in a half each. It’s messing with my nerves but I know I need to. She’s a very kind a understanding person so that eases it a little. And she said what you did…. no pressure. Just take it a step at a time. Luckily she has the totally awesome poof balls to fiddle with which helps a lot oddly enough. You are my inspiration to go and to continue going. So thank you for sharing your story

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      2. I’m looking at 2 sessions a week for an hour in a half each. It’s messing with my nerves but I know I need to. She’s a very kind a understanding person so that eases it a little. And she said what you did…. no pressure. Just take it a step at a time. Luckily she has the totally awesome poof balls to fiddle with which helps a lot oddly enough. You are my inspiration to go and to continue going. thank you for sharing your story

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Two sessions a week is good but if you feel it is too much take it down to one. I started at one a week and increased to two. Now I alternate as two sessions a week is intense and tiring.

      Just don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Take it a day at a time. I have got to the point where I need to start talking about details and I am struggling.

      Thank you for your kind words. I am glad I can give you some hope.
      If you would like to find my page on facebook the link is below and we can talk some more. I am happy to support you if I am able.

      https://m.facebook.com/timetobreakmysilence/?ref=bookmarks

      Just remember not to put too much pressure on yourself. This is a huge step you are taking and a huge thing you are facing.

      Xxx

      Like

    1. Thank you Zoe.

      Thank you for reading and for your kind words. It means a lot to me that you took the time to comment.

      I am trying very hard to be strong. I just hope that I am brave enough to get through this.

      Thanks again.
      Xxx

      Like

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